I would venture to say that "we"
are all ever so familiar with the phrase

"mind over matter,"

and for most of us,

 immediately upon hearing those words,

we flippantly dismiss the person or issue that either preceded those 3 little words, 

or the words that follow without so much as an acknowledgement.

Rarely is "mind of matter" used as a statement of action anymore.

Growing up in a family rooted in Theology/Baptist Doctrine and Modern Day Psychology,

 there was always a clash in prospective when the concept of mind over matter was aligned with surrender.  

Inherently, surrender is the antithesis of mind of matter thinking in every way,
isn't it?

How can a "strong mind" be made stronger through surrender?

This rigid dichotomy has been a source of struggle for me since childhood.

My two grandfather's lived their lives in accordance to the Southern Baptist credo,

and were men of integrity and strength.

My father, though briefly somewhat rebellious,

 ( as all preacher's kids are expected to be)

had settled into the ideology by the time I came around,

 was licensed as a minister in The Southern Baptist Church, and was also deep into the psychology of addiction and psychosis.

The behavior I witnessed of these three men was in keeping with the tenets taught on Sunday's from behind the pulpit in our somewhat small church in Houston, Texas.

My grandfathers and my father loved God fervently,

they believed AND loved The Word of God, The Bible, unequivocally,

and they loved people wholeheartedly.

My maternal grandfather, my father, 

and an enlistment of other male members of the congregation,

 walked alongside my paternal grandfather, (who pastored our church) 

as they lead our "flock" at Maxey Road Baptist Church in working out this rationality.

Collectively, this army of men,

 modeled a matrix of surrender congruent with the strongest of minds,

and the ease of the exhale following an inhale. 

Mind over matter was in fact the key to surrender.

In meditation and mindfulness,
relinquishing the authority of the conscious mind
to the unconscious,
is the very key to attaining true mastery.

I have practiced both mindfulness and meditation for some years now;
 and although it has helped me fall asleep when my body feels pain,
or focus on a difficult task surrounded by distractions,
it wasn't until just recently that I truly grasped the power it holds.

After my last surgery for endometriosis I was in no way prepared for what was to come.

My recoveries after so many surgeries before in my life went quite easily despite the seriousness of the surgery and the damage to my internal organs, as the years of endo pain built up in me a tolerance for pain that even I was not aware of.

The reality of the years of destruction within my very core became crystal clear after my emergency surgery in March 2018 and for once I  realized how much pain I could handle, and how no matter what other people thought,
 I WAS STRONG!

When I woke up from this surgery the first time, I heard a sound I could not place or even try to understand. It was terrifying. It was a sound I can only imagine would be something heard deep in the forest as an animal cries out in agony as it lay dying a tortured death. After some time, I realized this anonymous agonizing sound was coming out of ME!

I realized that the driving force when it comes to pain, depression, and all of the negatives we assign to the life we want vs the life we experience is fear.
Fear of being in "that" place forever.
Fear of never experiencing joy.
Fear of never knowing what a moment feels like without pain.
Fear of our life not looking the way we think it must in order for us to be fulfilled.

The truth, I have found, is that the fear of surrender keeps us in a place that never allows us to truly and completely reach fulfillment.

The first step in "fixing" something is knowing that no matter how destroyed, or far from what we think it should look like it is worth and capable of being saved, and that end result quite possibly might blow our minds by looking nothing like what we expected.

And so,
with my scars, bruises that come and go, the obvious flaws on the outside of my body,
the loss of many dreams and ways I thought my life would one day look,
I move forward

WITH HOPE!

Even though the destruction is fierce and unyielding,
the hope of  the salvaged result is one that brings to mind the Phoenix,
the beauty rising from the ashes.

Let this be my manifesto
moving forward, surrounded by ashes,
may we all see beauty in the far corners of our ourselves.

#lifeafterendometriosis
#lifeafterpain
#livinganewnormafterendosurgeries
#nomoresurgeries
#nooneshouldhavetoendurewhatididforover20years
#speakupandspeakoutforendo

Laisse le font (Let's do it!!)

Long before Nike
laid claim to the phrase
 "Just do it,"
people uttered the same basic message to one another
for reasons that varied from such things as;

"Let's play ball!"
to
"Let's get married!"

I went on a little fact finding mission regarding Nike, and their slogan,
and I was quite surprised at what I found.

Nike, originally known as Blue Ribbon Sports (BRS)
was founded in January of 1964;
 by Phil Knight, a track athlete at the University of Oregon, and his coach Bill Bowerman.

In the mid-80's Nike was a struggling sports niche brand that concentrated on connecting with male athletes in competitive sports arenas out of the back seat of their station wagon.

At the very same time, fitness was changing and a company by the name of Reebok was encroaching on,
Nike's followers.
They were also widening their scope to bring in female athletes and aerobics enthusiasts with their brand new concept of aerobic shoes.

Nike sought direction from the ad agency Wieden+Kennedy (W+K) to put them in a competitive place in the sportswear world once again.

W+K did just that!
No one could have predicted the outcome of their campaign strategy, and certainly not where the slogan "just do it" came from!

So here it is,,,,,,,,,

In 1977, a man by the name of Gary Gilmore, gained international attention after he was convicted of two murders in Utah. Gilmore became the first person in almost ten years to be executed in the United States. He was executed by firing squad. Just before the first shot was fired Gilmore was asked if he had any last words

He had three...

"Let's Do It!"

In 1988, Nike execs were inspired by those very words and with one slight change, launched the

"JUST DO IT" 
campaign

Nike did it!
They tipped!!

But, as phrases do, this one continued without the backstory, even today.

Children all over the world now know The Nike Swoosh,
as well as the phrase "Just Do It!'


I don't know that I could walk you through the complete evolution of this thought process and post, but I recently saw two words joined together and it has become my mantra of sorts.

"Start Somewhere"

So wherever you are, regardless of what you are doing,
when it comes to the dream that looks too big to attain,
just

START SOMEWHERE!

Go placidly amid the noise & haste, & remember. what peace there may be in silence. ~Desiderata

We are brought into a world surrounded by noise.

So much noise, that for most of us, we live our lives not really knowing which messages come from where.

So how are we to learn to decipher the messages that come from deep within us?

We have all heard "go with your gut," but do we?

Do we even know how?

It took a very long time and quite honestly, a lot of pain and questioning, for me to learn to hear what messages were coming from deep within. 

The messages my own body was telling me.

Those messages were discounted and dismissed for years from just about everyone I shared them with, so I began to wonder,

(when you are born into a family of mental health professionals it crosses your mind a few times- "Am I crazy?"

"Is this all in my head?")

There is a  process I have found that has allowed me to shut out the noise and hear what my body is saying to me about everything I need to know.

I have found this exercise to be very helpful, and simple! 

Throughout the day, take a few moments and take 3 long breaths.

(Set a reminder on your phone if necessary to remind you)

Wherever you are, in your car, the restroom at the office, in line for coffee, just take a moment and breathe.

Breathe in through your nose, and as the air fills your lungs allow yourself to breathe in newness.

Then, as your breathe out through your mouth, let go of everything in your mind, 

for just these few moments, 

just BE.

Studies have shown that just these 3 focused breaths can realign your entire body, mind, and spirit.

So, let's start there, and begin the conversation with the complex brilliant machine that houses our very essence.

I wonder what it will tell us?

So now what?.......

It has been over a month since I have been able to put words to this part of the "process" of my journey, but I am more certain than ever that EVERYTHING, in fact, does have a purpose and meaning.

But, it is not as simple as it sounds.

We have a part in this story, in OUR story.

We can decide what we will lean in to and what we will turn our backs on.

As I have so often said, I was raised in a unique environment of God-fearing, God-loving, people-loving role models who just so happened to have a LOT of training in Theology and Psychology.

I always knew that I should never take anything for granted, good or bad, but the lesson I feel I was never truly taught how to take from the textbook and put into an ongoing practice was listening to and trusting my own body over the noise of all of the solicited and unsolicited opinions of others.

I must always remember and be grateful for the many blessings in my life, but I also must face obstacles with a purpose of learning the lesson they were intended to teach.

Today, I am so very grateful for so many things, that to list them would prove to be a never ending project; and I have seen, and continue to see the lessons and truths learned through my pain and loss. My sincere hope is that by sharing the lessons and truths of my story,  that others may become more attuned to their own conversation with the brilliant complex machine that houses their very soul. 

I believe we all have to learn to listen to our bodies. 

But, if we will turn our ears to listen, our bodies WILL be faithful to tell us how to properly care for and keep it at its top potential.

I will share with you in coming posts what I have learned in listening to my own body regarding everything from assessing pain to how I have been able to determine how my body needs to be fed, and all that falls in between.

 My hope is that you will learn to ask your body some of the same questions I have, and by extension, better hear what your body wants to tell you, so that you can care for yourself in the best possible way.

The Aftermath

In November of 2015 I admitted in my post that I struggled with fear, and that I was quite often baffled by my unwavering belief in God alongside my intense fear about so many things. 

I wish I could tell you as I write this post today that the fear I spoke of has been overcome, but alas......I cannot.

The truth is, this last year has been the hardest year I have lived. 

It makes textbook sense, but it doesn't make logical sense.

As I have said before, I ended 2014 AND 2015 with surgeries, the latter being a full hysterectomy and the reality that I would not ever be blessed with the experience of carrying and giving birth to a child.

I had chosen denial for my entire adult life, ignoring the doctor's and choosing to believe somehow I would have the opportunity, but as 2015 came to a close I could no longer live in that denial fantasy.

As my endometriosis (which by the way is still not in many auto correct dictionaries) continued to scream that something was very wrong inside my body and the process of discovery began, I went into an emotional catatonia. 

I was emotionally frozen. 

I didn't have the emotional capacity to accept the truth inside my own body.

But, it did not go away, it did not disappear, it went rogue! 

It began attaching to and attacking any and everything within it's reach, eventually making it's way to my emotional and mental state.

As I prepared for the hysterectomy I told my mother I was fearful of my emotional state when I woke up from the anesthesia. 

I didn't know if I would find that I had already grieved the loss and be able to move on, or if I would fall apart. 

The not knowing was the most unnerving.

So here we are a little over a year later, and I wish I could say that I was able to put it all behind me and live in the promise of other dreams and desires. 

The truth is, the aftermath of so many years of undiagnosed pain, denial of the future outcome, fear of the worst, the realization of the worst becoming my reality, and the actualization of that worst scenario has been excruciating.

It has. 

That is the honest truth.

But, I'm still living, and loving my time with my niece and nephew, now more than ever, and I still hope!

I hope for something I can't see or imagine, but I can hope for it, and I do!

Every single day!

So why publish something like this?

There are so many reasons.....

So that other girls will not take the dismissal of parents and doctors and think it's just not that bad, but will push for answers so it doesn't get to the point mine did.

To acknowledge the pain of the death of our dreams.

To put words to my pain so that I can continue to heal.

But, most of all, to encourage every female (and by extension males also) to know their body and protect and care for their body, and advocate for their body when they know something is wrong. 

If even one girl, or the mother of a young girl showing early signs of endo, would read these words and realize that the knowledge of her body supersedes what even a doctor says, and grant her the courage to not accept dismissal then my words have purpose.

My story did not have to include stage IV endometriosis and a hysterectomy at 39, but if sharing my story can keep someone else from walking the same road then it is given purpose.

Always Faithhful

The dream of the snake did not make sense until just now.

With the help of some words of truth,  the meaning was clear.

 Have these words been heard before, sure, but today they went deeper.

"throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life,

which is corrupted by lust and deception.

Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes,

put on your new nature, created to be like God-

truly righteous and Holy."

Ephesians 4:22 

Sunday it was clear, my pride had gotten in the way, 

actually it had taken over and become the focal point for 

something that I was invited into, but can not possibly do on my own. 

My dear friend Kelly and I have the honor of hosting the Inaugural Walk for Freedom in Houston, Texas supporting the A21 Campaign.

The A21 Campaign exists to abolish social injustice and modern day slavery in the 21st Century.

The reality that there are more slaves in the world today than any other time in human history literally leaves me breathless.

How can we even begin to make a difference?

 I was overwhelmed by so much and already feeling defeated by the coming events.

The words of my earthy father rang in my ears.

After struggling with my part in a dear friends life after she was taken from this world in a tragic accident when we were far too young. I struggled with had I done enough?

My father very gently, but firmly said,

"Kimberly you did all you were intended to do, you loved her,

you don't have the power to save her."

My heart aches so deeply for the millions of men, women, and children who are treated in a way other than the way they were intended to be. The horrific reality of what is happening today in our world is too much!

So what do we do?

Yesterday I spoke to a young adult woman who was sold into sex slavery by her very own uncle when she was only 4 years old! She spoke with such clarity and poise. I was truly amazed.

These words are powerful on their own, but coming from her they transcended to a higher level!

The human spirit can be renewed. 

Healing is real!

Emotional healing.

 physical healing. 

psychological healing.

They are all possible!!

She was such a young child when she was thrust into the life of a sex slave, and she said she didn't have the vocabulary to talk to anyone about what was being done to her over and over again, but now she has been made new!

She has been restored and she IS the beautiful phoenix that has emerged from the ashes of her past.

The ashes of all that was done, and said, and inflicted is burned away and out of that rose a beauty that is glorious!

"I am OVERWHELMED with Joy in the Lord my God! 

For He has dressed me with the clothing of salvation, 

and draped me in a robe of righteousness."

Isaiah 61:10

That is why we do what we are doing.

That is why we fight to abolish, once and for all, the injustice in this world.

THAT is why we fight until the very last

 man, woman, and child 

is rescued and renewed.

We fight for the death of the injustice

 and in its place

 the beauty that is draped in the righteousness of the Lord!

#walkforfreedomhtx
#A21campaign
#walkforfreedom
#a2ndCup
#anti-humantrafficking
#abolishmoderndayslavery
#justice

The New Norm

Ok so first of all....

No, it didn't take me 40 years to realize my life and everything in and around it functions 

with the twist of ADD.....

however, please don't ever tell me mother that I finally surrender!!!

I admit there are so many clear indications that I am in fact ADD and I live in an ADD world.

Case and point, this blog.

The sporadic entries would suggest to anyone that sees the "pattern," of which there is none,

I do not abide by a set structure.

I believe I now see the connection as to why....

Before we travel that road please allow me to back up a bit and lay some ground work.

Growing up the daughter of 2 therapists

 (1 who happens to be hyper-anxious to diagnose any and everyone!)

I always thought ADD was a bad thing. 

I hated stories of people who would seek out a therapist only to then continue the detrimental behavior with a new definition of why.

That is why I always fought the diagnosis!!

But, now I see so clearly....

My ADD is in fact the very thing that allows me to operate in the day to day.

I was created with such an overload of feeling that it has taken me all of my 40 years, and no doubt will take all of my years left to live, to truly understand how to harness and express my feelings in a productive and healthy way.

I don't just wear my feelings on my sleeve, my feelings are every inch of my skin. 

I feel so deeply and passionately that my feelings are that tangible.

I realize as I continue to travel through my story that in order to keep from completely shutting down I need my ADD for a bit of reprieve.

Not only do I feel deeply for myself, but I feel for those I love and even strangers I have never met. 

There is so much beauty in this world and yet so much evil as well.

Just as anyone who wishes to be an ambassador of change we must find a way to protect ourselves.

I believe for myself and likely many others that protection was woven into my very DNA.

So, for me, and hopefully for others as well, I will now welcome those moments of distraction as a breath of fresh air and a chance to recenter and hope again.

As I live my life after a hysterectomy before 40,
(the result of years living with immense pain from endometriosis),
childless and devastated by a dream lost and daily pain reminders of this reality,
coupled with a passion for millions in bondage around our globe I am thankful for the way I was made. 

My Creator knew that through my story, which at times would seem overwhelmed by pain, I would need a "rabbit trail" to take a breath, and for that I am so very thankful.

So.....now having shared this with you, its ok if you tell my mom!! :)

#ADD
#endometriosis
#hysterectomy
#hope
#lifeafter40
#ambassadorofchange
#whentheworldistoomuch