Always Faithhful

The dream of the snake did not make sense until just now.

With the help of some words of truth,  the meaning was clear.

 Have these words been heard before, sure, but today they went deeper.

"throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life,

which is corrupted by lust and deception.

Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes,

put on your new nature, created to be like God-

truly righteous and Holy."

Ephesians 4:22 

Sunday it was clear, my pride had gotten in the way, 

actually it had taken over and become the focal point for 

something that I was invited into, but can not possibly do on my own. 

My dear friend Kelly and I have the honor of hosting the Inaugural Walk for Freedom in Houston, Texas supporting the A21 Campaign.

The A21 Campaign exists to abolish social injustice and modern day slavery in the 21st Century.

The reality that there are more slaves in the world today than any other time in human history literally leaves me breathless.

How can we even begin to make a difference?

 I was overwhelmed by so much and already feeling defeated by the coming events.

The words of my earthy father rang in my ears.

After struggling with my part in a dear friends life after she was taken from this world in a tragic accident when we were far too young. I struggled with had I done enough?

My father very gently, but firmly said,

"Kimberly you did all you were intended to do, you loved her,

you don't have the power to save her."

My heart aches so deeply for the millions of men, women, and children who are treated in a way other than the way they were intended to be. The horrific reality of what is happening today in our world is too much!

So what do we do?

Yesterday I spoke to a young adult woman who was sold into sex slavery by her very own uncle when she was only 4 years old! She spoke with such clarity and poise. I was truly amazed.

These words are powerful on their own, but coming from her they transcended to a higher level!

The human spirit can be renewed. 

Healing is real!

Emotional healing.

 physical healing. 

psychological healing.

They are all possible!!

She was such a young child when she was thrust into the life of a sex slave, and she said she didn't have the vocabulary to talk to anyone about what was being done to her over and over again, but now she has been made new!

She has been restored and she IS the beautiful phoenix that has emerged from the ashes of her past.

The ashes of all that was done, and said, and inflicted is burned away and out of that rose a beauty that is glorious!

"I am OVERWHELMED with Joy in the Lord my God! 

For He has dressed me with the clothing of salvation, 

and draped me in a robe of righteousness."

Isaiah 61:10

That is why we do what we are doing.

That is why we fight to abolish, once and for all, the injustice in this world.

THAT is why we fight until the very last

 man, woman, and child 

is rescued and renewed.

We fight for the death of the injustice

 and in its place

 the beauty that is draped in the righteousness of the Lord!

#walkforfreedomhtx
#A21campaign
#walkforfreedom
#a2ndCup
#anti-humantrafficking
#abolishmoderndayslavery
#justice

The New Norm

Ok so first of all....

No, it didn't take me 40 years to realize my life and everything in and around it functions 

with the twist of ADD.....

however, please don't ever tell me mother that I finally surrender!!!

I admit there are so many clear indications that I am in fact ADD and I live in an ADD world.

Case and point, this blog.

The sporadic entries would suggest to anyone that sees the "pattern," of which there is none,

I do not abide by a set structure.

I believe I now see the connection as to why....

Before we travel that road please allow me to back up a bit and lay some ground work.

Growing up the daughter of 2 therapists

 (1 who happens to be hyper-anxious to diagnose any and everyone!)

I always thought ADD was a bad thing. 

I hated stories of people who would seek out a therapist only to then continue the detrimental behavior with a new definition of why.

That is why I always fought the diagnosis!!

But, now I see so clearly....

My ADD is in fact the very thing that allows me to operate in the day to day.

I was created with such an overload of feeling that it has taken me all of my 40 years, and no doubt will take all of my years left to live, to truly understand how to harness and express my feelings in a productive and healthy way.

I don't just wear my feelings on my sleeve, my feelings are every inch of my skin. 

I feel so deeply and passionately that my feelings are that tangible.

I realize as I continue to travel through my story that in order to keep from completely shutting down I need my ADD for a bit of reprieve.

Not only do I feel deeply for myself, but I feel for those I love and even strangers I have never met. 

There is so much beauty in this world and yet so much evil as well.

Just as anyone who wishes to be an ambassador of change we must find a way to protect ourselves.

I believe for myself and likely many others that protection was woven into my very DNA.

So, for me, and hopefully for others as well, I will now welcome those moments of distraction as a breath of fresh air and a chance to recenter and hope again.

As I live my life after a hysterectomy before 40,
(the result of years living with immense pain from endometriosis),
childless and devastated by a dream lost and daily pain reminders of this reality,
coupled with a passion for millions in bondage around our globe I am thankful for the way I was made. 

My Creator knew that through my story, which at times would seem overwhelmed by pain, I would need a "rabbit trail" to take a breath, and for that I am so very thankful.

So.....now having shared this with you, its ok if you tell my mom!! :)

#ADD
#endometriosis
#hysterectomy
#hope
#lifeafter40
#ambassadorofchange
#whentheworldistoomuch

After THAT moment when it all changes.....we must just be still.

Sometimes when we are living through life 

AFTER

 a big change,

 it is very difficult to find our footing and progress forward.

That does not mean that we are not,

or have not accepted the change,

 nor does it mean that we have not adequately processed what that change means for our life.

Sometimes we just need to 

be in that new space

 for a while to allow ourselves to 

truly accept life in this new way.

I have been hanging out in "that" space for me, for a while now,

 and I have found that this space is far more important than I ever knew.

Growing up being taught the processes of  emotional accommodation, it has been easy for me to simply check a box after a certain number of "points in the process" have been identified and experienced, without going deeper to truly "see" if I have experienced fully that point in the process.
Recently, I became keenly aware of the truth that checking off the points in the process in the way that I had been was in no way proof that I had successfully navigated each point to completion.


If I am honest, this is a place where I have found myself many times throughout my 39 years,
but I do not think I was self-aware enough to grasp the space around me.
The true reason I have always written, I believe, is to try and fulfill the purpose in each space I enter,
 and
as a seeker of emotional understanding and knowledge, to gain all that I can in that space before moving on to a new space.

Even though I have not been completely aware of this fact until now, I believe this is definitely my true purpose in writing now.
As I have said and written so many times, my life in NO WAY looks the way I thought it would, and it has been far more difficult than I felt I was prepared for.
But is that not the purpose?
For life to be so far beyond our expectations that it stretches us to a point that we are forced to learn and understand ourselves and the world differently?
More accurately?
More fully?
More truthfully?
More hopefully?

More hopefully?.......
YES!!
because life should not be limited by our expectations or understanding of  how beautiful and wonderful this world is.....
It will far exceed our expectations.....if we let it!!


SO.........
My reason for writing, for whomever will read my words,
has been and will continue to be,
 to fulfill a purpose.

That purpose is to grab the lantern and the pitchfork,
 and lead the way through my own fear,
to be beside you
when you face and conquer yours.

On the other side.....
 the beauty and greatness will
dumbfound us all!!


https://youtu.be/F77v41jbOYs
https://youtu.be/jJhsexd8Qqg

Why is the truth sometimes harder than a lie?

I said in my blog post on November 11th, 2015 that I had taken some time away from writing bc life had been a bit overwhelming.
To say that life was "a bit overwhelming" would be disingenuous...
it has been profoundly overwhelming!!!!

More overpowering than I ever could have imagined life could be!!!
I admitted to my battle against fear, but I did not share what the fears were.
I was in no way ready for that level of transparency.
I was not ready to uncover the lies I had begun to believe from others, and the lies I told myself.

What I did not know then...
 was that I was being prepared to look that fear in the face and once and for all
command that it step back!!!
That it would no longer have a hold on me!

The real story that I need to tell, 

the story of my life under "the silent life sentence" 

has been far too difficult to truly share in it's entirety for a very long time. 
I think in large part because I, like many other women who suffer the same, didn't understand it myself.

It is ugly.

It is beyond painful.

It brings up questions of mental weakness.

It has made me question my faith

It has made me question my lack of faith

It reminds me of the people in my life who have said it couldn't be THAT BAD!!!

...those who did not believe me and saw me as weak.

It has made me question, time and again, if I could have just pushed through.

It has made me question so many things that were far to painful to explore, because what if they were worse than the fear?

The deep wound this has caused has been gaping open, unable to heal, 

with no promise that it ever could,.

It has had me trapped in triage mode for quite some time now.

I remember a phone call with my father in the middle of the night when my parents were an ocean away.
 I couldn't sleep.
I was crying uncontrollably because the pain was so intense and I said to him,

"I feel like a bad Christian."

He was perplexed.

"Why do you say that? What do you mean?"

My response was simple,

"I feel like we all have a cross to bear, 

and our job is to bear our cross with dignity and dedication, 

and I can't do that! 
It is just too much!!"

I finally went to sleep that night and to the doctor the next morning, where I was told I needed to be taken to the ER because my blood pressure was dangerously high.

The chaos around me and the intensity that filled the air did not help my blood pressure!!

Things were not getting better, they were getting worse, and I knew that.

Well...... on some level I knew it,
but I was in a level of denial so deep it was numbing.
The news, as it worsened was swirling around me, but I was not letting it penetrate my brain.
Somehow, I just knew that this was going to just go away.

It didn't go away....it continued to get worse, and eventually I had to face the truth. 

My purpose in sharing my story and risking uncovering some of the deepest pain I know is in part for my continued healing, but it has a much bigger purpose...
That bigger purpose has nothing to do with me, but with other women and girls who will be faced with some of the same fears, struggles, and decisions that I have been.
Girls like my little niece Madison.
 If I can protect her in any way I will!!!
(It's never too early!!!~Madi is 3 yrs old)
I will do whatever it takes to ensure she doesn't have to face what I have and I will be her advocate until the day I die. I pray that then she will have learned to be the best advocate for herself!!

Misdiagnosis is an all-too-common experience of endometriosis sufferers, 
which is why it’s imperative that we all know more about it
  so that we can advocate for ourselves. 

Young women’s pain, especially around their periods, is often dismissed as whining, weakness or even a sign of mental imbalance.

The following is an excerpt from The Endometriosis Association website.

"We have tried to educate about the concept that pain with menstruation is not normal – nature does not create pain with a normal, ongoing bodily function. There are many reasons why many women experience menstrual pain in our modern world, particularly dietary reasons. We hope to help teach women to pay close attention to their bodies and not accept the idea that women are designed defectively!"

As I was dealing with what seemed like the worst of the worst with my endo, a friend sent me a copy of an interview Lena Dunham had with Padma Lakshmi, and a few other celebrities. As I read the words of each woman, I was perplexed at how our stories were so aligned. So many times I thought
 "this can't be
THIS is MY story!!"

Here is a brief excerpt

"Padma Lakshmi is a visible woman: as a model, as the perennial host of Top Chef, as a writer of cookbooks and style columns. She’s used this power to co-found a nonprofit, the  Endometriosis Foundation of America, to bring recognition, research, and education to endometriosis. Lakshmi’s own story with the disease reflects the stories of many: beginning with her first period, she battled pain and nausea a week out of every month for 23 years, until her diagnosis at age 36. I got her on the phone to talk more about her awakening to the diagnosis and her work helping others to do the same.

Her endo was so debilitating whenever she had her period it kept her from working and dating during those weeks. 'That’s 25 percent of my life, and I could never get that time back,' she said. We don’t want any other women to lose that time. If you already have an endometriosis diagnosis, consider opening up about it."

I agree whole-heartedly.
 The wound is still so fresh for me, and at times I know it will be so extremely painful. 
However, the hope of helping even one person to advocate for themselves; 
 to not have to suffer as I did for over 20 years, 
and have the potential of a very different outcome
gives purpose to my pain.

https://youtu.be/Ow4OfW4DP9s

In a moment it ALL changes.....

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

I have always loved the symbolism of a New Year. 

the opportunity of

~a New beginning~

This year holds more symbolism and hope for me than ever before!

As you continue to read the upcoming posts you will likely be surprised and confused by that last statement many many times, 

because this year began as I was recovering from a complete hysterectomy.

I have lived over 20 years with a disease that has gone un-diagnosed, mis-diagnosed, and at times dismissed all together. 

As I have lived this process,

 living with endometriosis, 

I have learned that my story is not all that uncommon.

Endometriosis is a painful, chronic disease
that affects AT LEAST 6.3 million women and girls in the US,
1 million in Canada,
and millions more worldwide
according to The Endometrosis Association

 The majority live without an accurate diagnosis and for many women, when they are diagnosed it is too late. A diagnosis coming after an average of 20 years is more common than not.

I am 39.

I have not had children. 

I absolutely LOVE children, 

and have dreamed of one day having my own.

That dream, the way I envisioned it, has died.

BUT, the story is not over......

in many ways it is just beginning!!!

"Just like after every night comes a new day 

and after darkness comes light, 

after a painful death comes new life."

                                                                                                                                                 Author Unknown

 In the upcoming posts I will be recounting a part of my life that I have not shared with many people.

Sure, those closest to me know bits and pieces.

Some have even witnessed the effects that it has had on my life in various forms, 

but even for some that have walked along side me, this will be a surprise.

 I know that as I take time to recall the last 20+ years of my life

(more than HALF of my life)

and record it for all to see,

I will uncover pieces that I have been too fearful of exposing even to myself.

.

The pain I have experienced has been 

covered up, 

shut away,

repressed, 

 projected 

and ignored

So why share it?

Why now?

.....because with death comes new life.....

I have grieved the loss of my dream.

At times, I wondered if there would ever come a time of laughter.

It has been a long, dark, lonely road....

but with the death of the dream I envisioned, new dreams I never could have imagined have been born!!!

and if I only would have known that this death really would bring new life and freedom like it has,

 the decision would have been so much easier.

So I share my story to bring hope to someone else walking that dark, lonely road

My pain that was covered up. shut away.

repressed, projected and ignored,

has been replaced with

freedom, light, truth, honesty, acknowledgement and love.

I recently heard something that shook me, literally shook me, to the core.

(the speaker was talking about her job as an adviser to professionals who counsel individuals who have suffered trauma)

I don't have the words verbatim but I will do my best

.....It's like me, being afraid of the dark, grabbing a pitchfork and a lantern, and leading someone THROUGH THE DARK to conquer their fear..... 

If only I can be that courageous....

https://youtu.be/lDcTvtuuVU8

___________________________________________

"Points of Light"

I have taken some time away from writing lately because life has been a bit overwhelming....

Do you know what that feels like?

You feel like you are rushing around

AND COMPLETING NOTHING!!!

 It feels as though there is a force that is purposely working against you. 

It feels as though the main focus of that force is to sabotage any and every thing you do that is important, and to plant seeds of doubt that maybe you just can't do it at all!!?!!

I have felt that way lately. 

I keep reminding myself that although I have no idea the plans that God has for me, 

He promises in His Word that He does!!!

...and .....that plan

~His plan~ 

is good!!!

and it is full of HOPE!!!!

I have always been a seeker and wanted to know God, know people, know things outside of my environment. I have always believed that by learning more about people who are different than me 

(maybe people that grew up in a different culture or country, or in a house that did not include 2 mental health professionals and a Southern Baptist preacher grandfather down the street, or so many other possibilities) 

we learn more about God......

If we are ALL created in the image of God, then we are all bearers of an aspect of His image that is unique and special and lovely.

By looking for those aspects in others, instead of looking for the "differences" I believe we see...

Who God is , what His heart is, and what He desires....

As I look over my life I see how I have always been plagued with fear!!!

What if I am way off?

I recently attended an event that was truly life changing!!!

This year marked the 25th Anniversary of "Points of Light".

(25 years ago President George H. W. Bush brought to the White House a dedication to traditional American values and a determination to engage the country in becoming 

"a force for good"

In his Inaugural Address, President Bush called on Americans to engage in hands-on, active service to their country and communities as "Points of Light" with the inception of The Points of Light Foundation)

To begin the weekend long meeting of various spiritual leaders a prayer service was held that I was privileged to attend.

"One Prayer;Many Faiths"

This experience was beyond something words could even begin to express.

As I sat next to my dear friend, who happens to be Muslim, ( I am a Christian) in a beautiful sanctuary filled with people from all walks of life and religious and spiritual perspectives I was overwhelmed!!! 

...I have often wondered how can I have such confidence in the God I know and love and a curiosity to know Him more and yet still be so fearful?

During this meeting we were honored to hear from Jon Meacham, Executive Editor and Executive Vice President of Random House, a notable New York Times best selling author, and distinguished visiting professor at Vanderbuilt, (if I continued on with his CV this post may never end)

He said something that has not only stuck with me, but has rattled my little "Southern Baptist taught" brain.

He said.....how can any of us who were created by a Creator that exists outside of time and space, honestly believe that we, who were created in that time and space, understand completely and accurately that Creator?

Lately, I am keenly aware of the fear in my life and how it has affected so many aspects of my life.

I know where fear comes from and I know that I have a choice to give into the fear, 

OR.....

I have the choice to remember that God promises good and not harm. 

He promises to never leave me or forsake me. 

He is so complex that I could never understand and fully know the why and how of His plan.

So those times when I feel He is so far away, I have to check myself and see where the disconnect is. 

Am I choosing fear over the peace promised that passes all understanding?

When it comes to loving others, how do I get to that place where the love is not conditional on whether or not "they" love or accept me back, but out of the love offered to me.....how do I love without expectations??.....

Billy Graham once said

(and I may have posted this quote before, but it is worth a mention again!!!)

"God's job is to judge, the Holy Spirit's job is to convict, and our job is simply to love!!!"

I wonder how can I love better today?

Without expectation of reciprocation....just out of the love that has so freely and lavishly been poured out on me?

~I feel it is important to say that when bad things happen and difficulty and pain peeks its ugly head around the corner, we MUST remember that is a product of the world we live in, and we can choose to focus on that, or we can look to the Creator who loves us, to carry us through and love us through the pain.

He comforts us so that we can comfort others!!!

Who can you comfort today?

Who can I comfort today?

I pray that today we will be given God appointed assignments to love and comfort......

....and that the love and comfort will come from the love that is ours forever and always and was given freely because He first loved us!!!

....and 

"may the God of hope fill you with all joy!!!"

Romans 15:13

A BIG God Wink....

In a recent post I introduced "God Winks"....

.....those times in life when there is no other explanation for something than God just winked at you!!!!!....

those times when something happens that is not just a coincidence or happenstance but the ONLY explanation is that the God of the universe sent you a clear message and 

He winked at you!!!

One of my favorite all time God Winks happened when I was a sophomore at Baylor University....

.....I was having a difficult time....

the person I had been dating for 3 years showed a side of himself that I simply could not accept. 

The strength imparted to me in that moment to walk away from him still to this very day astonishes me!!!

but I ended the relationship and did walk away without even once looking back....

it was excruciating....

I called my mother and asked if she would come spend the weekend with me.....

.....I needed my mom!.....

She came up almost immediately, but before she arrived I went to lunch with a friend from my church back home. 

(he was a few years older and looked after me as an older brother while we were at Baylor)

I mentioned during our visit that my mother was coming up for the weekend and he asked what our plans were.....

I went through the typical "what you do when your parents come to visit you at college," 

and then I said, 

"there is a church I have been wanting to attend and I was thinking we would go there on Sunday"

When I told him which church I was speaking of I could tell from his immediate reaction that he did not approve!!!!!!

He paused for a moment and then he said,

 "well, if I were you I wouldn't go there........ and I certainly would NOT take my mom!!!"

This was at a time in Southern Baptist churches when there was an ongoing controversy about what was appropriate behavior in church...

(I grew up in a church led by my grandfather where you sang the hymns with almost a monotone voice 

(if it is possible to "sing" in a monotone voice)

and you sat up straight and did not say a single word during the service.

(There was certainly no "shouting back" at the pastor when you agreed with what he said)

This particular church that I wanted to attend was a Baptist church, but it was considered a charismatic church and not AT ALL what our church back home was like.

I said to my friend, "well.......if I'm going to go I think I would rather have my mom with me when I do"

He shook his head and we moved on to other conversation.....

Mom came and we spent the weekend, again doing what you do in college with mom in town, eating out and exploring the campus and meeting people, all the typical college student activities.

I had told her of my visit and the caution about the church, but mom said "Let's give it a try"

As Sunday morning arrived, we got ready for church and made our way....

we arrived a little early and the early service was still in the sanctuary so as we were waiting in the foyer we picked up a bulletin.

As we were standing scanning the bulletin, we both saw the scripture at the top of the first page,

"But those who trust in the Lord will renew their strength.

They will soar with wings like eagles.

They will run and not grow weary.

They will walk and not faint."

Isaiah 40:31

At the same time mom and I looked at each other and said,

"Oh look!!! It's DanDan's favorite verse!"

I opened my bible and took out a book mark that my grandmother had made for me with that verse and a picture of my DanDan playing golf.

(I spent most of the first 9 years of my life on the golf course with my DanDan!!)

about that time the doors opened and the early service exited and we walked in and took our seats.

SMACK DAB IN THE MIDDLE!!!  

that was unlike both of us but that is where we landed.

The service began with a song that so clearly was my prayer that morning!!!

I couldn't hold back the tears, and neither could my mom.

As we sat down and the pastor began to speak it was honestly as though he was speaking directly to me!

The tears became harder and harder to hold back.

I felt a tap on my shoulder and I thought for sure that the person behind me was going to ask me to keep it together.....but instead the older man behind me handed me a tissue and patted my shoulder.

After the sermon the pastor said that we were going to have a time of prayer

(in EVERY church service I had ever been in before "a time of prayer" meant we would all bow our heads and the pastor would pray or we would all pray silently...)

that is not what they did here.....

again....a tap on the shoulder...

I turned around and the nice older man with the supply of tissues asked me if he and his wife could pray for me.

I was a bit confused....but my mother and I turned around in the pew toward one another and put our hands on the back of the pew, he and his wife both placed their hands on our hands and he began to pray.

.....but this was not just any prayer.....

this man prayed like he knew me!!!!

In shock after the time of prayer concluded we stood to sing one last song that were the very words I would have spoken at that moment had I been face to face with God!!!!

MORE TEARS!!!

(another tap on the shoulder and another fresh tissue!!!) 

As soon as the song concluded the service did as well and my mother and I turned to thank the man and his wife behind us, but they were already gone!!!

Quickly mom and I went out into the foyer and we spotted them...

As we approached them we both thanked them for their prayers and of course the tissues!!!

We visited for a while and they offered a home cooked meal anytime at their home whenever I felt homesick.

The man's wife handed my mother her husbands business card  with their contact info and we hugged and said goodbye.

As mom and I were walking out of the church I was talking to her only to realize she was not beside me....

I stopped and looked up the stairs at the exit doors and she was frozen at the top of the stairs staring at her left hand.

I asked if she was ok and my words startled her out of the apparent daze she was in....

 she walked down the stairs to me and with no words showed me the business card.....

The man with the tissues who prayed for me as if he had known me my entire life was named 

H. E. Lee

(My DanDan was Hubert Eugene Lee)

we were both speechless and walked to the car without a word.

We got to the car and sat down and as the car started and the music came on the song on the radio was this.....

Chris Tomlin - Everlasting God (with lyrics)

A guitar teacher with years of experience. For more information on guitar lessons check out my private lessons website www.stuartlovibond.com but…

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Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord (repeat)

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer
You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer
You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary

You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer
You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary 

You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles

From everlasting, to everlasting
God you're everlasting


Needless to say at this point the tears were uncontrollable!!!!!
and at that moment we knew we were in the presence of the Great Comforter!!!!

May you never miss those times when God winks and you are consumed by His love and adoration for you!!!!
Happy Friday!!!