Why is the truth sometimes harder than a lie?

I said in my blog post on November 11th, 2015 that I had taken some time away from writing bc life had been a bit overwhelming.
To say that life was "a bit overwhelming" would be disingenuous...
it has been profoundly overwhelming!!!!

More overpowering than I ever could have imagined life could be!!!
I admitted to my battle against fear, but I did not share what the fears were.
I was in no way ready for that level of transparency.
I was not ready to uncover the lies I had begun to believe from others, and the lies I told myself.

What I did not know then...
 was that I was being prepared to look that fear in the face and once and for all
command that it step back!!!
That it would no longer have a hold on me!

The real story that I need to tell, 

the story of my life under "the silent life sentence" 

has been far too difficult to truly share in it's entirety for a very long time. 
I think in large part because I, like many other women who suffer the same, didn't understand it myself.

It is ugly.

It is beyond painful.

It brings up questions of mental weakness.

It has made me question my faith

It has made me question my lack of faith

It reminds me of the people in my life who have said it couldn't be THAT BAD!!!

...those who did not believe me and saw me as weak.

It has made me question, time and again, if I could have just pushed through.

It has made me question so many things that were far to painful to explore, because what if they were worse than the fear?

The deep wound this has caused has been gaping open, unable to heal, 

with no promise that it ever could,.

It has had me trapped in triage mode for quite some time now.

I remember a phone call with my father in the middle of the night when my parents were an ocean away.
 I couldn't sleep.
I was crying uncontrollably because the pain was so intense and I said to him,

"I feel like a bad Christian."

He was perplexed.

"Why do you say that? What do you mean?"

My response was simple,

"I feel like we all have a cross to bear, 

and our job is to bear our cross with dignity and dedication, 

and I can't do that! 
It is just too much!!"

I finally went to sleep that night and to the doctor the next morning, where I was told I needed to be taken to the ER because my blood pressure was dangerously high.

The chaos around me and the intensity that filled the air did not help my blood pressure!!

Things were not getting better, they were getting worse, and I knew that.

Well...... on some level I knew it,
but I was in a level of denial so deep it was numbing.
The news, as it worsened was swirling around me, but I was not letting it penetrate my brain.
Somehow, I just knew that this was going to just go away.

It didn't go away....it continued to get worse, and eventually I had to face the truth. 

My purpose in sharing my story and risking uncovering some of the deepest pain I know is in part for my continued healing, but it has a much bigger purpose...
That bigger purpose has nothing to do with me, but with other women and girls who will be faced with some of the same fears, struggles, and decisions that I have been.
Girls like my little niece Madison.
 If I can protect her in any way I will!!!
(It's never too early!!!~Madi is 3 yrs old)
I will do whatever it takes to ensure she doesn't have to face what I have and I will be her advocate until the day I die. I pray that then she will have learned to be the best advocate for herself!!

Misdiagnosis is an all-too-common experience of endometriosis sufferers, 
which is why it’s imperative that we all know more about it
  so that we can advocate for ourselves. 

Young women’s pain, especially around their periods, is often dismissed as whining, weakness or even a sign of mental imbalance.

The following is an excerpt from The Endometriosis Association website.

"We have tried to educate about the concept that pain with menstruation is not normal – nature does not create pain with a normal, ongoing bodily function. There are many reasons why many women experience menstrual pain in our modern world, particularly dietary reasons. We hope to help teach women to pay close attention to their bodies and not accept the idea that women are designed defectively!"

As I was dealing with what seemed like the worst of the worst with my endo, a friend sent me a copy of an interview Lena Dunham had with Padma Lakshmi, and a few other celebrities. As I read the words of each woman, I was perplexed at how our stories were so aligned. So many times I thought
 "this can't be
THIS is MY story!!"

Here is a brief excerpt

"Padma Lakshmi is a visible woman: as a model, as the perennial host of Top Chef, as a writer of cookbooks and style columns. She’s used this power to co-found a nonprofit, the  Endometriosis Foundation of America, to bring recognition, research, and education to endometriosis. Lakshmi’s own story with the disease reflects the stories of many: beginning with her first period, she battled pain and nausea a week out of every month for 23 years, until her diagnosis at age 36. I got her on the phone to talk more about her awakening to the diagnosis and her work helping others to do the same.

Her endo was so debilitating whenever she had her period it kept her from working and dating during those weeks. 'That’s 25 percent of my life, and I could never get that time back,' she said. We don’t want any other women to lose that time. If you already have an endometriosis diagnosis, consider opening up about it."

I agree whole-heartedly.
 The wound is still so fresh for me, and at times I know it will be so extremely painful. 
However, the hope of helping even one person to advocate for themselves; 
 to not have to suffer as I did for over 20 years, 
and have the potential of a very different outcome
gives purpose to my pain.

https://youtu.be/Ow4OfW4DP9s

In a moment it ALL changes.....

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

I have always loved the symbolism of a New Year. 

the opportunity of

~a New beginning~

This year holds more symbolism and hope for me than ever before!

As you continue to read the upcoming posts you will likely be surprised and confused by that last statement many many times, 

because this year began as I was recovering from a complete hysterectomy.

I have lived over 20 years with a disease that has gone un-diagnosed, mis-diagnosed, and at times dismissed all together. 

As I have lived this process,

 living with endometriosis, 

I have learned that my story is not all that uncommon.

Endometriosis is a painful, chronic disease
that affects AT LEAST 6.3 million women and girls in the US,
1 million in Canada,
and millions more worldwide
according to The Endometrosis Association

 The majority live without an accurate diagnosis and for many women, when they are diagnosed it is too late. A diagnosis coming after an average of 20 years is more common than not.

I am 39.

I have not had children. 

I absolutely LOVE children, 

and have dreamed of one day having my own.

That dream, the way I envisioned it, has died.

BUT, the story is not over......

in many ways it is just beginning!!!

"Just like after every night comes a new day 

and after darkness comes light, 

after a painful death comes new life."

                                                                                                                                                 Author Unknown

 In the upcoming posts I will be recounting a part of my life that I have not shared with many people.

Sure, those closest to me know bits and pieces.

Some have even witnessed the effects that it has had on my life in various forms, 

but even for some that have walked along side me, this will be a surprise.

 I know that as I take time to recall the last 20+ years of my life

(more than HALF of my life)

and record it for all to see,

I will uncover pieces that I have been too fearful of exposing even to myself.

.

The pain I have experienced has been 

covered up, 

shut away,

repressed, 

 projected 

and ignored

So why share it?

Why now?

.....because with death comes new life.....

I have grieved the loss of my dream.

At times, I wondered if there would ever come a time of laughter.

It has been a long, dark, lonely road....

but with the death of the dream I envisioned, new dreams I never could have imagined have been born!!!

and if I only would have known that this death really would bring new life and freedom like it has,

 the decision would have been so much easier.

So I share my story to bring hope to someone else walking that dark, lonely road

My pain that was covered up. shut away.

repressed, projected and ignored,

has been replaced with

freedom, light, truth, honesty, acknowledgement and love.

I recently heard something that shook me, literally shook me, to the core.

(the speaker was talking about her job as an adviser to professionals who counsel individuals who have suffered trauma)

I don't have the words verbatim but I will do my best

.....It's like me, being afraid of the dark, grabbing a pitchfork and a lantern, and leading someone THROUGH THE DARK to conquer their fear..... 

If only I can be that courageous....

https://youtu.be/lDcTvtuuVU8

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