"Points of Light"

I have taken some time away from writing lately because life has been a bit overwhelming....

Do you know what that feels like?

You feel like you are rushing around

AND COMPLETING NOTHING!!!

 It feels as though there is a force that is purposely working against you. 

It feels as though the main focus of that force is to sabotage any and every thing you do that is important, and to plant seeds of doubt that maybe you just can't do it at all!!?!!

I have felt that way lately. 

I keep reminding myself that although I have no idea the plans that God has for me, 

He promises in His Word that He does!!!

...and .....that plan

~His plan~ 

is good!!!

and it is full of HOPE!!!!

I have always been a seeker and wanted to know God, know people, know things outside of my environment. I have always believed that by learning more about people who are different than me 

(maybe people that grew up in a different culture or country, or in a house that did not include 2 mental health professionals and a Southern Baptist preacher grandfather down the street, or so many other possibilities) 

we learn more about God......

If we are ALL created in the image of God, then we are all bearers of an aspect of His image that is unique and special and lovely.

By looking for those aspects in others, instead of looking for the "differences" I believe we see...

Who God is , what His heart is, and what He desires....

As I look over my life I see how I have always been plagued with fear!!!

What if I am way off?

I recently attended an event that was truly life changing!!!

This year marked the 25th Anniversary of "Points of Light".

(25 years ago President George H. W. Bush brought to the White House a dedication to traditional American values and a determination to engage the country in becoming 

"a force for good"

In his Inaugural Address, President Bush called on Americans to engage in hands-on, active service to their country and communities as "Points of Light" with the inception of The Points of Light Foundation)

To begin the weekend long meeting of various spiritual leaders a prayer service was held that I was privileged to attend.

"One Prayer;Many Faiths"

This experience was beyond something words could even begin to express.

As I sat next to my dear friend, who happens to be Muslim, ( I am a Christian) in a beautiful sanctuary filled with people from all walks of life and religious and spiritual perspectives I was overwhelmed!!! 

...I have often wondered how can I have such confidence in the God I know and love and a curiosity to know Him more and yet still be so fearful?

During this meeting we were honored to hear from Jon Meacham, Executive Editor and Executive Vice President of Random House, a notable New York Times best selling author, and distinguished visiting professor at Vanderbuilt, (if I continued on with his CV this post may never end)

He said something that has not only stuck with me, but has rattled my little "Southern Baptist taught" brain.

He said.....how can any of us who were created by a Creator that exists outside of time and space, honestly believe that we, who were created in that time and space, understand completely and accurately that Creator?

Lately, I am keenly aware of the fear in my life and how it has affected so many aspects of my life.

I know where fear comes from and I know that I have a choice to give into the fear, 

OR.....

I have the choice to remember that God promises good and not harm. 

He promises to never leave me or forsake me. 

He is so complex that I could never understand and fully know the why and how of His plan.

So those times when I feel He is so far away, I have to check myself and see where the disconnect is. 

Am I choosing fear over the peace promised that passes all understanding?

When it comes to loving others, how do I get to that place where the love is not conditional on whether or not "they" love or accept me back, but out of the love offered to me.....how do I love without expectations??.....

Billy Graham once said

(and I may have posted this quote before, but it is worth a mention again!!!)

"God's job is to judge, the Holy Spirit's job is to convict, and our job is simply to love!!!"

I wonder how can I love better today?

Without expectation of reciprocation....just out of the love that has so freely and lavishly been poured out on me?

~I feel it is important to say that when bad things happen and difficulty and pain peeks its ugly head around the corner, we MUST remember that is a product of the world we live in, and we can choose to focus on that, or we can look to the Creator who loves us, to carry us through and love us through the pain.

He comforts us so that we can comfort others!!!

Who can you comfort today?

Who can I comfort today?

I pray that today we will be given God appointed assignments to love and comfort......

....and that the love and comfort will come from the love that is ours forever and always and was given freely because He first loved us!!!

....and 

"may the God of hope fill you with all joy!!!"

Romans 15:13

A BIG God Wink....

In a recent post I introduced "God Winks"....

.....those times in life when there is no other explanation for something than God just winked at you!!!!!....

those times when something happens that is not just a coincidence or happenstance but the ONLY explanation is that the God of the universe sent you a clear message and 

He winked at you!!!

One of my favorite all time God Winks happened when I was a sophomore at Baylor University....

.....I was having a difficult time....

the person I had been dating for 3 years showed a side of himself that I simply could not accept. 

The strength imparted to me in that moment to walk away from him still to this very day astonishes me!!!

but I ended the relationship and did walk away without even once looking back....

it was excruciating....

I called my mother and asked if she would come spend the weekend with me.....

.....I needed my mom!.....

She came up almost immediately, but before she arrived I went to lunch with a friend from my church back home. 

(he was a few years older and looked after me as an older brother while we were at Baylor)

I mentioned during our visit that my mother was coming up for the weekend and he asked what our plans were.....

I went through the typical "what you do when your parents come to visit you at college," 

and then I said, 

"there is a church I have been wanting to attend and I was thinking we would go there on Sunday"

When I told him which church I was speaking of I could tell from his immediate reaction that he did not approve!!!!!!

He paused for a moment and then he said,

 "well, if I were you I wouldn't go there........ and I certainly would NOT take my mom!!!"

This was at a time in Southern Baptist churches when there was an ongoing controversy about what was appropriate behavior in church...

(I grew up in a church led by my grandfather where you sang the hymns with almost a monotone voice 

(if it is possible to "sing" in a monotone voice)

and you sat up straight and did not say a single word during the service.

(There was certainly no "shouting back" at the pastor when you agreed with what he said)

This particular church that I wanted to attend was a Baptist church, but it was considered a charismatic church and not AT ALL what our church back home was like.

I said to my friend, "well.......if I'm going to go I think I would rather have my mom with me when I do"

He shook his head and we moved on to other conversation.....

Mom came and we spent the weekend, again doing what you do in college with mom in town, eating out and exploring the campus and meeting people, all the typical college student activities.

I had told her of my visit and the caution about the church, but mom said "Let's give it a try"

As Sunday morning arrived, we got ready for church and made our way....

we arrived a little early and the early service was still in the sanctuary so as we were waiting in the foyer we picked up a bulletin.

As we were standing scanning the bulletin, we both saw the scripture at the top of the first page,

"But those who trust in the Lord will renew their strength.

They will soar with wings like eagles.

They will run and not grow weary.

They will walk and not faint."

Isaiah 40:31

At the same time mom and I looked at each other and said,

"Oh look!!! It's DanDan's favorite verse!"

I opened my bible and took out a book mark that my grandmother had made for me with that verse and a picture of my DanDan playing golf.

(I spent most of the first 9 years of my life on the golf course with my DanDan!!)

about that time the doors opened and the early service exited and we walked in and took our seats.

SMACK DAB IN THE MIDDLE!!!  

that was unlike both of us but that is where we landed.

The service began with a song that so clearly was my prayer that morning!!!

I couldn't hold back the tears, and neither could my mom.

As we sat down and the pastor began to speak it was honestly as though he was speaking directly to me!

The tears became harder and harder to hold back.

I felt a tap on my shoulder and I thought for sure that the person behind me was going to ask me to keep it together.....but instead the older man behind me handed me a tissue and patted my shoulder.

After the sermon the pastor said that we were going to have a time of prayer

(in EVERY church service I had ever been in before "a time of prayer" meant we would all bow our heads and the pastor would pray or we would all pray silently...)

that is not what they did here.....

again....a tap on the shoulder...

I turned around and the nice older man with the supply of tissues asked me if he and his wife could pray for me.

I was a bit confused....but my mother and I turned around in the pew toward one another and put our hands on the back of the pew, he and his wife both placed their hands on our hands and he began to pray.

.....but this was not just any prayer.....

this man prayed like he knew me!!!!

In shock after the time of prayer concluded we stood to sing one last song that were the very words I would have spoken at that moment had I been face to face with God!!!!

MORE TEARS!!!

(another tap on the shoulder and another fresh tissue!!!) 

As soon as the song concluded the service did as well and my mother and I turned to thank the man and his wife behind us, but they were already gone!!!

Quickly mom and I went out into the foyer and we spotted them...

As we approached them we both thanked them for their prayers and of course the tissues!!!

We visited for a while and they offered a home cooked meal anytime at their home whenever I felt homesick.

The man's wife handed my mother her husbands business card  with their contact info and we hugged and said goodbye.

As mom and I were walking out of the church I was talking to her only to realize she was not beside me....

I stopped and looked up the stairs at the exit doors and she was frozen at the top of the stairs staring at her left hand.

I asked if she was ok and my words startled her out of the apparent daze she was in....

 she walked down the stairs to me and with no words showed me the business card.....

The man with the tissues who prayed for me as if he had known me my entire life was named 

H. E. Lee

(My DanDan was Hubert Eugene Lee)

we were both speechless and walked to the car without a word.

We got to the car and sat down and as the car started and the music came on the song on the radio was this.....

Chris Tomlin - Everlasting God (with lyrics)

A guitar teacher with years of experience. For more information on guitar lessons check out my private lessons website www.stuartlovibond.com but…

YOUTUBE.COM

Tag peopleAdd what you're doing or how you're feelingTag a locationSet date and time of your post

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord (repeat)

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer
You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer
You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary

You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer
You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary 

You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles

From everlasting, to everlasting
God you're everlasting


Needless to say at this point the tears were uncontrollable!!!!!
and at that moment we knew we were in the presence of the Great Comforter!!!!

May you never miss those times when God winks and you are consumed by His love and adoration for you!!!!
Happy Friday!!!

The Right Thing

This afternoon as I drove through downtown from my home, on my way to church, I heard this song....and I really tried to listen to more than just the words.....
I thought about all the times in life when I have wanted to do the "right thing" ....sometimes I did what I thought was right, and sometimes I just wasn't bold enough to do anything, sometimes I was just in a hurry, and then there have been, and still are times when I don't even know what the "right' thing is....
do I speak up, do I keep quiet, do I get involved or do I stay out of it, do I risk my pride to offer an opinion?!?
I don't have the answers, and I don't know that I ever will but......
today as I made a turn I make at least once on any given day a man caught my eye from a distance....He looked homeless and I immediately began to wonder what his life must be like, did he have a hungry belly, did he feel hopeless, had he ever known love? these may seem like silly thoughts to think about a random stranger who at that moment I could only see from about his ribs up......
I saw a police officer behind me and of course did the.."am I doing anything wrong" check for a second~and as I was going through the checklist I noticed the man I had seen was now walking into the street, and was walking in the middle lane of oncoming traffic. As I approached him I realized he literally had nothing. He was naked and dirty and seemed lost and unaware of cars that were trying to keep from hitting him. The police officer pulled over and before what I assumed happened did I had turned onto the next street.
This has stayed in my mind since that moment....
It is so easy to get caught up in our own little space and do what we do and not think about the world in which we live.....but tonight this man startled me out of the fog!!!! ...this man clearly has some concerns that many of us will never understand.... we have clothes on our backs, we have more than enough food to eat...... we are surrounded by people who love us, encourage us, and when need be rescue us when we make a wrong turn and travel down the dangerous road..... and we are most often in a "safe place" ( on our electronic device scanning facebook)
but for a moment let's go down this "road" with this fairly young man. I don't know if there were is any type of drug or alcohol involvement, and I don't know the state of his mind(and those are all issues that concern me greatly)....but......I wonder .....who will help him? who will love him? who will be there for him? will anyone? or will we all just be shocked and disgusted by the situation? I pray for that police officer that picked him up. Obviously, it would not have been wise for me to get involved in the situation and I knew that, but it was the police officers job and I pray that he was kind and loving and caring and that somehow through that interaction some good came of a scary and very heartbreaking moment.
I do believe that God continues to mold and shape us into the people He created us to be through the experiences He allows in our lives.(I pray that the walk down that road led to some hope for this man)....... In my life, I believe He has protected me in so many ways. I was born into a family that loved me and cared for me better than I could have ever imagined. I was taught to think for myself and to be able to wrestle with right and wrong until a clear answer was shown, not just trust someone else's truth for my own.... I was show examples every moment of "Love God, Love people" and I saw people of all "categories" treated simply as "people".....respected, cared for, shown kindness, and welcomed in without expectation or judgement.
My struggle daily is how to show that love to others......I have been wrestling with some decisions, that if I am honest are selfish ones, for quite some time now and they have consumed me. They have been all I can think about, talk about, etc...they sometimes keep me up at night and keep me out of the "moments" in the day. I think most anyone who might take the time to read this post most likely knows me, and therefor knows that I call myself a Christian....but probably has no idea of my constant wrestling match with my own salvation.....I believe at my core that God loved us first,(all of us!!!!) that He created us for a purpose (ALL of us), and that He planned in advance a purpose for us. So why do I struggle with my purpose? Why do I struggle with why my life doesn't look like I always thought it would? Why is my life chalk full of decisions that seem so difficult right now? Why am I so sensitive to things that I have no control over, and why do I feel at such a deep level? AND.... why did the experience today resonate in a way that helped me understand that through this time lately I have felt much like this man.....EXPOSED!!! A Catholic Priest that I greatly admire and studied under for about 2 years once said to me...."Kimberly, instead of trying to get OUT of your own head, why not hang out there for a while and see what you might can learn"....I AM one of THOSE people who feel at my very core and my emotions are very much a driving force in everything in my life....I have read all the books and tried all the "practices" to not always follow my feelings, and I do think there is a time and a place to trust your feelings...not always...but I also believe that we cannot deny the gift that is that emotional level of our being. So many of us try and push it down bc it doesn't always feel good and it is sometimes very scary!!
What if he/she/the world doesn't love me back? etc....
But today, when I was startled out of the fog, I was led down a road I think I will be traveling for quite sometime....maybe until the time comes when I am no longer traveling in this world......but what can I do to love better? Without expectation of reciprocation....but bc I am loved and I was created to love...
In my recent struggles I have been able to keep the secret from many people and go on pretending life is just fine, but the visual today and the sadness that it brought to my heart was an awakening...
We live in a world full of people who are hurting and struggling and just trying to take one more step.....and there are times for all of us that we aren't sure if we will be able to take that next step......lately there has been so much media attention focused on creating more division and fear in all areas of humanity...I have been broken-hearted and angry and struggled with my place in all this and I have not said a lot...but....the reality is NONE of us has it all right!!!! NOT ONE OF US!!! and we can not possibly put ourselves in someone else's circumstances and know how we would handle a certain situation.....but that is not our job....our job is simply to love....beyond all else....just love.....EVERYONE!!!.......through differences and similarities...through good times and bad.....through harmony and dissension......May we all do our job well ...atleast in this moment.....we will get to the next moment when it is time....

Do Something - Matthew West

Here's a simple lyric video I did for my church to this beautiful song! Enjoy!

Be Near

I have recently seen-through a friend who has grown so dear to me the need to live out Galatians 6:2 "Share each others burdens"
I know I have withdrawn at times when a friend was struggling bc I didn't know how or what to do or say.......we are not expected to.....we just need to be there to "share" the burden and through our prescence remind them "you are not alone!!!"

Be Near - Shane Bernard

A video praise song for Be near. If you want to talk to me about email me at cth1995@comcast.net

YOUTUBE.COM

The struggle with the struggles....

I wonder how many Christians struggle with "struggles"......I recently had a conversation with my dad about some difficult decisions in my life and some of my own words shocked me!!! I believe in a God who saves, who is so much bigger than I can fathom,and who loves me more than I can even try to understand.......but sometimes life throws things at us that we just are not prepared for and He seems silent...and we are confused.....I know I am not the only one who has ever experienced this and it doesn't mean, (as a woman said to me recently) that I am "clearly just developing my faith" ......first of all I hope I am ALWAYS developing my faith and second.....take a look at some of what David wrote in Psalms......our struggles do have a purpose...... I know that but I also know they are difficult ......and they hurt....... and we are sad sometimes and disappointed, but God promised He will make ALL things new and that He already has a plan in motion for us that is good and full of hope,,....I am holding tight to that today!!!!

Addison Road - What Do I Know Of Holy w/Lyrics

What Do I Know Of Holy by Addison Road set to pictures with lyrics.

YOUTUBE.COM

God Winks

Good Morning!!!!!

After I published the post last night describing the process of dealing with the grief associated to the loss of my DanDan, I woke up to this song......

Chris Tomlin - Everlasting God (with lyrics)

A guitar teacher with years of experience. For more information on guitar lessons check out my private lessons website www.stuartlovibond.com but…

YOUTUBE.COM

Tag peopleAdd what you're doing or how you're feelingTag a locatSet date and time of your p

(I guess it is not quite "old school" yet, but Chris Tomlin takes me back quite a ways......)

My DanDan was a man of THE WORD, and his favorite scripture was Isaiah 40:31

(this song IS that scripture!!!)

"But those who trust (and wait on) the Lord will renew their strength.

They will mount up with wings like eagles.

They will run and not grow weary. 

They will run and not faint."

This was for sure a God Wink for me this morning, and it flooded my mind with so many God Winks associated with my DanDan that I will share in a coming post!!!!!

Stay tuned!!

They are pretty wonderful stories

 (I think)

:)

Have a Super Thursday!!!!

xoxi~kimberly a 

The Beauty in the Scars

I have been thinking a lot about scars lately and all that they hold.....

A scar is a constant reminder of a wound....

....but.....
 it is also a reminder of the healing that followed the wound....

So.....I wonder.....

Why do we remember so clearly the pain of the wound and yet we struggle to remember the beauty in the healing?

Obviously the pain of the wound can "scar" us  in various ways...

the pain may be physical.....

it may be emotional......

it can be mentally scarring....

and there are times when a scar is psychological~
meaning it's mental and emotional 

The healing of the scar can take an undetermined amount of time, and unfortunately there is not a formula to the process.
......BUT......
I can tell you this....
far too often we don't see the process through...
Physical wounds in most cases heal without a lot of mental or emotional effort, but those wounds that are not physical require a significant amount of effort and dedication.
The pain of the wound can be so painful that we do everything in our power to push the pain so deep down so that it can no longer keep us trapped....we don't purposefully withhold the healing, we just think there is no way we can endure the healing process.
This process leads a lot of us to a place called
"frozen grief"
When someone experiences a loss that is so great that they feel they do not have the tools to even begin the grief process , they may displace their feelings onto something else, or they may literally freeze in time emotionally and not allow themselves to go through the process at all.
I have experienced frozen grief and I can tell you it is difficult to work through.

My frozen grief came when my mother's father passed away when I was 9 years old.
We were very close and spent a lot of time together. He was my dad's best good friend and we all spent more time on the golf course than off. I remember every part of the process, from the call when he took his last breath~to the funeral (and seeing my parents in their own state of grief and the expression of that) I remember my grandmother was the picture of poise and grace and I remember I felt so alone and confused.
For years (I mean years into adulthood!! A LONG time) a  cousin of my grandfathers would bring me to tears every time I saw him because he looked just like my DanDan. I would find myself apologizing for the tears but I couldn't make them stop.
Years later I spent some time with a very wise therapist who told me that she believed I had some frozen grief and that if I wanted to truly heal and be able to celebrate my grandfather I would need to work through that.
I believe I have, although it was a long process, but now the thoughts of my grandfather bring me great joy and happiness.
The healing that I experienced through walking through the difficult grief process have allowed me to remember the wonderful things that are so special about my DanDan, and to celebrate the time I had with him.
Grief often causes us to close down and redirect our emotions, but I will say this...the beauty that comes from the healing of loosing a loved one and seeing the grief process through allows that persons life and impact on your life to live in you and through you.
That is a part of them you will always have with you!!!!
So I encourage you, when faced with grief, please do not avoid the process, but allow yourself to truly feel each part of it and know that the Great Comforter will comfort you and carry you through, even when you think you can now longer go on.
Once on the other side you will be the one to walk someone else through the process and comfort them the way you yourself were comforted.

The most difficult lessons can sometimes can be the most transforming....

Growing up in the household I did.....
 I starting reading "christian self-help" books at around 9 years old...
and ALWAYS  talked through things,

 I learned that at all times there was "something" to "work on" 

As I have gotten older I have realized the majority of the world did not have this experience and really do not want to talk about things FOREVER!!!!

I was shocked!!!

but .....

then this morning I came across a study I did on Queen Ester and some notes I took.....

Queen Ester, known as the heroine who saved the Jewish people, and whose story is the basis for the celebration of Purim (an annual feast established to celebrate the memory of their deliverance) in the Jewish tradition.

Ester is also commemorated as a matriarch in the Calendar of Saints.

The notes I found made me STOP and think about how I approach things.....

and gave me a new perspective...

Queen Ester....

paused

waited

consulted

prayed

decided

acted

and adjusted.

She did not rush into action in her own wisdom....

she paused, waited on God, consulted those she respected and trusted, she prayed for direction, she was decisive when she received the direction and she acted....

and then when necessary she adjusted.

and her words were.....

words of respect

words of welcome

words of caution

words that were direct

......and......

(this is probably the hardest one for me.....)

she used words that were few in number....

As I reviewed my study and my notes I was again amazed at the wisdom of Ester, and I pray that before I speak I will take the time Ester did.
She ensured that the words that came from her were words of wisdom and those words ultimately saved a nation!!!
I remember hearing once that when we are in the company of another person, when we leave we have either brought them closer to or further away from Christ. I wonder how often I have pushed people further away by speaking to soon in my own "wisdom" and opinions.

How do we navigate the meadow?

"Deep grief sometimes is almost like a specific location,

a coordinate on a map of time.

When you are standing in that forest of sorrow, you cannot imagine that you could ever find your way to a better place.

But if someone can assure you that they themselves have stood in that same place, and now have moved on, sometimes this will bring hope."

Elizabeth Gilbert

Eat, Pray, Love

I have been working on another post that I thought for sure, and had even made plans to finish up and post tonight

....until.....

I attended a guided meditation that took me on a journey I knew I needed to record.

The last post titled "The Meadow" introduces a "place" I have found myself often when things have become too difficult, and tonight I gained even more clarity of that "place"

"the forest of sorrow" IS "the meadow"

The meditation tonight was focused on 

"JOY"

I assume at this moment you are a bit confused as to why a guided meditation on Joy reveled clarity to my "meadow" experiences which have all been a result of difficulty....

(I have to admit I was surprised when I found myself going to the meadow so often as I focused on joy) 

so please allow me to explain....

During the meditation we were asked to think of a time that brought us immense joy...

The first thought that came to mind was 2 months into the relationship that I feel certain was with the 

Love of my Life. 

It was a time of immense joy and it was wonderful!!!

but....that relationship ended

and

 my mind immediately went to the sadness I still feel today (over a year later) that it is over.....

.....and I found myself in the meadow, still not knowing how I will ever get through this....

So I decided to focus on another time of great joy,

and I thought of being a child and being on the golf course with my grandfather.

.....and once again.....

sadness....

my grandfather passed away when I was 9 years old.

I was back in the meadow,  a 9 year old little girl,

lost, alone and terrified....

so I searched my thoughts for another time.

The time was when I had the opportunity to open be~lie~ve,

 a store that specialized in products for women diagnosed with breast cancer.

This dream came to me one day and in less than a year it was real!!

It was an amazing and beautiful dream realized right in front of me....

but unfortunately be~lie~ve closed and I was devastated.....

and I was right back in the meadow....

so why do these memories of great joy lead me back to the meadow?

because what leads me back to the meadow is 

.....grief.....

the loss of that "thing" that brought me great joy is now gone from my life....

lately I have felt trapped in the meadow....

....but I feel it is extremely important to mention.....

 The meadow is not a dark place.

  Actually it is very bright, as the sun from above shines down on me.....

but I still can't see because the grass is taller than I am......

I never really thought of the brightness of the meadow, but it has never been a dark place....

As I wrestle with the meaning of that,

I realize it is simple.

I have never once believed that God was not with me in the meadow. 

I have always trusted that He would guide me through the meadow....

So then why would I be fearful?

It's simple~control!!

My life is not my own...

The struggle of trying to control the outcomes in my life lead me straight to the meadow....

When my life doesn't look the way I think it should what does that mean?

 The loss of something that has brought me more joy than I can imagine ...

...is what leads me to a place of extreme grief 

and it begs the question, "if this is over...what now?"

If the relationship that I knew for certain would last forever is over, then what do I do with the dreams I had for our future?

I am currently living through a meadow experience that has been extremely difficult, there are days when I feel like I can't possibly go on...

It feels like too much!!!

I so wish I knew how long it would last, but I do not.

I do know that just like all the other meadow experiences, I have to see it through.

I have to fully grieve the loss.

(if I don't I can never truly heal~and more that ANYTHING I want to heal)

So often we feel the beginning of grief and we run....we close off....

we fill our minds with something, we get busy, we fill our time, and we try to replace what was lost with something, anything, 

so as not to feel the pain of the grief....

but if we do that, we are blocking our own healing, and future joy....

That is where I am now....I don't feel like I am ready to let the "dream die," I am terrified of what that will mean, but because I won't release it I feel like many of us have felt while waiting for someone to die...

We don't want them to go, and we don't want to let go, but we know it is inevitable and  as time ticks away we are paralyzed with fear...

even though we know that the release of this world will be such a relief for them, 

and it will also allow us to start the healing process.....

......but that place is excruciating!!!

The place I am in in this moment, as I type these words to share with you, is that excruciating place.

However, this is not because I am waiting for someone to actually pass into another realm, but I am trying to hold on to a dream that I have had for a very long time and I don't want to let it go.....

....because if the dream dies, then what?

Will I ever be fulfilled?

Will I ever recover? 

Will I have the strength to allow myself to fully experience the grief of this loss, of this dream?

I know deep down that the answer is yes, but it is terrifying, because I believe I know what is best for my life.

The truth is....if this dream is not to be realized then at my core I know God has a greater dream for my life.....

one that He has already begun to weave for me, 

while at the same time He is also preparing me, as He comforts me, to one day comfort someone else. 

Without this time in the meadow, I would not have any idea how to comfort someone else who is in this meadow....

but because He brought me here, He has a purpose for it...

He WILL bring me through it and He will use it for someone else's good and for His glory.....

So what do we do when we find ourselves in the meadow?

We look up!!!!

We look to The One who will guide and comfort us through the meadow. 

The warmth of the sun He has provided is not only for our comfort, 

but it is also the light that will allow us to be lead through the meadow.

.....this will allow us to fully grieve the loss of what ever brought us to the meadow, with the comfort of The Great Comforter. 

We are not alone!!

We will NEVER be alone!!!!

He will never leave us in the meadow alone.....

He is there with us every step of the way....

....even when it feels like everyone else has deserted us....

...and when the time has come...

.....when we have fully grieved the loss, 

we will find ourselves at the edge of the meadow, 

with the glow of the sun radiating through us.

A new creation!!!

Ready to experience joy again!!!

My prayer for you, and for me,

is that we will look up for the strength to truly grieve,

we will see the process through....

.....and then we will find ourselves at the edge of the meadow with joy in front of us!!!

During those meadow times, I often find comfort through hearing truth I know through song....

this song got me through a long time in the meadow and I pray it will do the same for you, whenever you find yourself in the meadow.....

https://youtu.be/zH6uffpLslQ

Be your best you today.....

Happy Saturday!!!

The Meadow

Have you ever felt as though you are smack dab in the middle of a meadow and you have no idea which way to go because the grass is taller than you are and you can't see anything in ANY direction?
 I have!
 More than once in my life of 39 years.
I feel like to truly understand my story, this visual of the meadow is very important.
There have been many times in my life when I have found myself in this "meadow".....
when there was a difficult decision to make,
when I lost my grandfather at 9 years old and had no idea what to do or how to go on without him~and how to do it alone because everyone else was grieving too~and I didn't even know what grieving was,
when I left for college,
even the year before college as I prepared for being away from home for the first time,
when I lost friends way to early (many many friends),
 and when I experienced and completely lost myself in a love more passionate and deep than I believed was real,
and then......I lost that love....
 and I can't leave out the many many times when I have been through seasons that I felt I was not prepared for because I never thought they would happen
.....atleast not to me.....
and I didn't have a "plan."
As a little I was always a planner.
I was also a dreamer!!
I would fantasize about so many things....
a common fantasy was living in a different era
(I just knew I was somehow "misplaced" and I was really supposed to be the lead character in my own Jane Austen novel. I wasn't sure where the mistake was made but I was certain it was!!!)
  I would get lost for hours, sometimes even days, in the stories of  Elizabeth Bennett,
and
will she and Mr. Darcy really end up together?
and......
then I would think about "my" reality...or was it a fantasy?
.....will I ever find "my Mr. Darcy?"

I grew up in a true bubble. I know that I did. I am very well aware of the fact that the space in which I grew up does not, and certainly did not exist for everyone.
I group in a loving family. I was the only "child" in the entire family for seven years so I got a lot of attention and a lot of adult time.
I was spoiled, yes, it's true, and I recognize that. I was protected from the outside world in may ways.
I have been known to say, quite often, that if I broke the rules, my father changed them, and that's true.

I always did~ and still do have a lot to say.
I am also a deep thinker, sometimes I believe I think far too much!!!
(possibly the result of being the daughter of 2 therapists, or simply just how I am wired)
But because the fact is, that I love to write, actually that is quite helpful!!
I will never forget meeting with a priest that I greatly admire and respect, who said to me,
"Kimberly, instead of trying to get "out" of your own head, why not hang out there and see what's REALLY there"
 I have a love for people, and to do everything in my power to bring them joy and happiness in any way possible!!!
Unfortunately, my passion sometimes extends beyond what I am capable of, and things don't always work out the way I imagined them, and I have learned that at times I do what "I" think others would love and not quite what they do love.
 I have seen pain in this world that I still can not completely grasp.
I feel at my very core, and for years I have thought that I felt too deeply, especially pain for others,
but I have learned that if I refocus that pain into some sort of action, it is quite amazing and healing!!!

 I have experienced my own pain as well. Pain that I never imagined I would experience and at times it has been excruciating, there have been days I did not honestly know how to go on.
I have struggled with the God I was taught about in Sunday school and from my grandfather's words from behind a pulpit. I have struggled with people that I sat beside in church for years hearing the same message and wondered how in the world we could be so different in our beliefs when ultimately we "claim" to believe the same things.
 I have realized that it is hard for me to move past the difficulties I have seen and experienced throughout life. My father knew that about me and protected me from the evil outside as long as he could, but one has to grow up at some point and experience the real world.

 I have always wanted to do the right thing and make others proud, but I have fallen short quite often, and I have experienced a great deal of shame from some of those choices
I have lived under the burden of that shame for years,
.... and that shame in a lot of ways manifested as fear....
Fear of failure.
Fear of never being truly loved for who I am.
(I AM quirky!!  and I know that.
 I don't follow the crowd,
I have my own way and sometimes others think it is a bit much,
 but I know what I love and I love it openly.)
Fear of not being good enough.
Fear of not being able to follow through.
Fearing of being internally broken in some way that could never be fixed.
Fear that I will not be able to overcome certain "parts" of who I am that have kept me from living the life I so desire to live.
BUT.....

.....Prepare yourself....
Hear comes some good news....
I believe that we are all stronger than our feelings.
We are stronger than our shame.
We are stronger than our past.
and we are so much stronger than we believe we are!!!

 I am at my very core a story-teller.
Maybe it's the southern legacy I am a part of,
(more to come of the legacy I come from~I am quite proud!!!)
maybe it's just how God made me,
but I have many people in my life who have made a joke out of numbering my stories because I re-tell my favorite ones OVER and OVER!!!
(I have learned that I tell a LOT of stories when I am nervous!!)
I am also the absolute definition of sentimental!!! So I hold on to those "moments" and relive them through repeating them quite often.
When you combine those two things you get a mess sometimes.....but sometimes I have found that there is a clarity that can be found in the repeating that is enlightening.
 This world can be an ugly, evil place
.....yes......
but it is also a beautiful, redemptive picture of a God that created a sunrise every morning and a sunset every evening and springtime flowers and beauties that leave us in awe on a daily basis(if we look up to see them) .
Most importantly, He created US, we are ALL a picture of Him.
( I believe that everyone who has ever lived, or ever will live has a characteristic of God that quite possibly ONLY THEY possess
~and collectively ALL of humankind together make up the true picture of God~
when ANYONE is excluded or missing the picture is not complete).
We were made in His image and that complete image is not one we will see until the day we are called home, but in each and every human on this earth we see a glimpse and a picture of Christ that helps us to form a picture of who He is.
 It is like an amazing puzzle that we continue to see come together throughout our entire lives!!!
Everyday I try to see those characteristics in others that I do not possess, and may have never seen before, and that may otherwise be missed, but are those little glimpses of who God is.
I have always had a love for people.
 When I was very little, probably around 5, I attended a funeral of a distant relative, and I clearly remember saying "When I die, and we have my "party", I want everyone to look different!!"
(I think this is story #17  :)
I was always drawn to all types of people. I still am, and I want to know their story. I want to know what makes them happy, what makes them sad, and what makes their heart smile.
 I know in this life we will have many difficulties and I pray that through those experiences we will all learn to understand how to identify the feelings attached to what we are experiencing and learn how to live in that place until we can appropriately express that emotion to the fullest extent, to become whole, healthy people who strive to love our differences and celebrate how TOGETHER we ALL create the picture of a beautiful loving God.  My purpose in writing this book is to tell the story of how a young girl who did everything in her power to do what others thought was right and good, and then made some big choices that caused guilt and shame to rule over her life for years learned how to walk on her own, and define for herself what life is~actually what she wanted her life to look like, not what someone else thought it should look like.
 (It has taken quite a while, and I don't know that  I am quite there yet, but I am getting closer)
 The purpose of this "story" is not just to share my experiences with you, but my prayer is that together we can explore the grace that is offered so freely by God when life doesn't look like we think it should, and how, as Dan Allender says, we can become "co-authors with Him of our own story."
Thank you for joining me on this journey....