I would venture to say that "we"
are all ever so familiar with the phrase
are all ever so familiar with the phrase
"mind over matter,"
and for most of us,
immediately upon hearing those words,
we flippantly dismiss the person or issue that either preceded those 3 little words,
or the words that follow without so much as an acknowledgement.
Rarely is "mind of matter" used as a statement of action anymore.
Growing up in a family rooted in Theology/Baptist Doctrine and Modern Day Psychology,
there was always a clash in prospective when the concept of mind over matter was aligned with surrender.
Inherently, surrender is the antithesis of mind of matter thinking in every way,
isn't it?
isn't it?
How can a "strong mind" be made stronger through surrender?
This rigid dichotomy has been a source of struggle for me since childhood.
My two grandfather's lived their lives in accordance to the Southern Baptist credo,
and were men of integrity and strength.
My father, though briefly somewhat rebellious,
( as all preacher's kids are expected to be)
had settled into the ideology by the time I came around,
was licensed as a minister in The Southern Baptist Church, and was also deep into the psychology of addiction and psychosis.
The behavior I witnessed of these three men was in keeping with the tenets taught on Sunday's from behind the pulpit in our somewhat small church in Houston, Texas.
My grandfathers and my father loved God fervently,
they believed AND loved The Word of God, The Bible, unequivocally,
and they loved people wholeheartedly.
My maternal grandfather, my father,
and an enlistment of other male members of the congregation,
walked alongside my paternal grandfather, (who pastored our church)
as they lead our "flock" at Maxey Road Baptist Church in working out this rationality.
Collectively, this army of men,
modeled a matrix of surrender congruent with the strongest of minds,
and the ease of the exhale following an inhale.
Mind over matter was in fact the key to surrender.
In meditation and mindfulness,
relinquishing the authority of the conscious mind
to the unconscious,
is the very key to attaining true mastery.
I have practiced both mindfulness and meditation for some years now;
and although it has helped me fall asleep when my body feels pain,
or focus on a difficult task surrounded by distractions,
it wasn't until just recently that I truly grasped the power it holds.
After my last surgery for endometriosis I was in no way prepared for what was to come.
My recoveries after so many surgeries before in my life went quite easily despite the seriousness of the surgery and the damage to my internal organs, as the years of endo pain built up in me a tolerance for pain that even I was not aware of.
The reality of the years of destruction within my very core became crystal clear after my emergency surgery in March 2018 and for once I realized how much pain I could handle, and how no matter what other people thought,
I WAS STRONG!
When I woke up from this surgery the first time, I heard a sound I could not place or even try to understand. It was terrifying. It was a sound I can only imagine would be something heard deep in the forest as an animal cries out in agony as it lay dying a tortured death. After some time, I realized this anonymous agonizing sound was coming out of ME!
I realized that the driving force when it comes to pain, depression, and all of the negatives we assign to the life we want vs the life we experience is fear.
Fear of being in "that" place forever.
Fear of never experiencing joy.
Fear of never knowing what a moment feels like without pain.
Fear of our life not looking the way we think it must in order for us to be fulfilled.
The truth, I have found, is that the fear of surrender keeps us in a place that never allows us to truly and completely reach fulfillment.
The first step in "fixing" something is knowing that no matter how destroyed, or far from what we think it should look like it is worth and capable of being saved, and that end result quite possibly might blow our minds by looking nothing like what we expected.
And so,
with my scars, bruises that come and go, the obvious flaws on the outside of my body,
the loss of many dreams and ways I thought my life would one day look,
I move forward
WITH HOPE!
Even though the destruction is fierce and unyielding,
the hope of the salvaged result is one that brings to mind the Phoenix,
the beauty rising from the ashes.
Let this be my manifesto
moving forward, surrounded by ashes,
may we all see beauty in the far corners of our ourselves.
#lifeafterendometriosis
#lifeafterpain
#livinganewnormafterendosurgeries
#nomoresurgeries
#nooneshouldhavetoendurewhatididforover20years
#speakupandspeakoutforendo
In meditation and mindfulness,
relinquishing the authority of the conscious mind
to the unconscious,
is the very key to attaining true mastery.
I have practiced both mindfulness and meditation for some years now;
and although it has helped me fall asleep when my body feels pain,
or focus on a difficult task surrounded by distractions,
it wasn't until just recently that I truly grasped the power it holds.
After my last surgery for endometriosis I was in no way prepared for what was to come.
My recoveries after so many surgeries before in my life went quite easily despite the seriousness of the surgery and the damage to my internal organs, as the years of endo pain built up in me a tolerance for pain that even I was not aware of.
The reality of the years of destruction within my very core became crystal clear after my emergency surgery in March 2018 and for once I realized how much pain I could handle, and how no matter what other people thought,
I WAS STRONG!
When I woke up from this surgery the first time, I heard a sound I could not place or even try to understand. It was terrifying. It was a sound I can only imagine would be something heard deep in the forest as an animal cries out in agony as it lay dying a tortured death. After some time, I realized this anonymous agonizing sound was coming out of ME!
I realized that the driving force when it comes to pain, depression, and all of the negatives we assign to the life we want vs the life we experience is fear.
Fear of being in "that" place forever.
Fear of never experiencing joy.
Fear of never knowing what a moment feels like without pain.
Fear of our life not looking the way we think it must in order for us to be fulfilled.
The truth, I have found, is that the fear of surrender keeps us in a place that never allows us to truly and completely reach fulfillment.
The first step in "fixing" something is knowing that no matter how destroyed, or far from what we think it should look like it is worth and capable of being saved, and that end result quite possibly might blow our minds by looking nothing like what we expected.
And so,
with my scars, bruises that come and go, the obvious flaws on the outside of my body,
the loss of many dreams and ways I thought my life would one day look,
I move forward
WITH HOPE!
Even though the destruction is fierce and unyielding,
the hope of the salvaged result is one that brings to mind the Phoenix,
the beauty rising from the ashes.
Let this be my manifesto
moving forward, surrounded by ashes,
may we all see beauty in the far corners of our ourselves.
#lifeafterendometriosis
#lifeafterpain
#livinganewnormafterendosurgeries
#nomoresurgeries
#nooneshouldhavetoendurewhatididforover20years
#speakupandspeakoutforendo
