God Winks

Good Morning!!!!!

After I published the post last night describing the process of dealing with the grief associated to the loss of my DanDan, I woke up to this song......

Chris Tomlin - Everlasting God (with lyrics)

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(I guess it is not quite "old school" yet, but Chris Tomlin takes me back quite a ways......)

My DanDan was a man of THE WORD, and his favorite scripture was Isaiah 40:31

(this song IS that scripture!!!)

"But those who trust (and wait on) the Lord will renew their strength.

They will mount up with wings like eagles.

They will run and not grow weary. 

They will run and not faint."

This was for sure a God Wink for me this morning, and it flooded my mind with so many God Winks associated with my DanDan that I will share in a coming post!!!!!

Stay tuned!!

They are pretty wonderful stories

 (I think)

:)

Have a Super Thursday!!!!

xoxi~kimberly a 

The Beauty in the Scars

I have been thinking a lot about scars lately and all that they hold.....

A scar is a constant reminder of a wound....

....but.....
 it is also a reminder of the healing that followed the wound....

So.....I wonder.....

Why do we remember so clearly the pain of the wound and yet we struggle to remember the beauty in the healing?

Obviously the pain of the wound can "scar" us  in various ways...

the pain may be physical.....

it may be emotional......

it can be mentally scarring....

and there are times when a scar is psychological~
meaning it's mental and emotional 

The healing of the scar can take an undetermined amount of time, and unfortunately there is not a formula to the process.
......BUT......
I can tell you this....
far too often we don't see the process through...
Physical wounds in most cases heal without a lot of mental or emotional effort, but those wounds that are not physical require a significant amount of effort and dedication.
The pain of the wound can be so painful that we do everything in our power to push the pain so deep down so that it can no longer keep us trapped....we don't purposefully withhold the healing, we just think there is no way we can endure the healing process.
This process leads a lot of us to a place called
"frozen grief"
When someone experiences a loss that is so great that they feel they do not have the tools to even begin the grief process , they may displace their feelings onto something else, or they may literally freeze in time emotionally and not allow themselves to go through the process at all.
I have experienced frozen grief and I can tell you it is difficult to work through.

My frozen grief came when my mother's father passed away when I was 9 years old.
We were very close and spent a lot of time together. He was my dad's best good friend and we all spent more time on the golf course than off. I remember every part of the process, from the call when he took his last breath~to the funeral (and seeing my parents in their own state of grief and the expression of that) I remember my grandmother was the picture of poise and grace and I remember I felt so alone and confused.
For years (I mean years into adulthood!! A LONG time) a  cousin of my grandfathers would bring me to tears every time I saw him because he looked just like my DanDan. I would find myself apologizing for the tears but I couldn't make them stop.
Years later I spent some time with a very wise therapist who told me that she believed I had some frozen grief and that if I wanted to truly heal and be able to celebrate my grandfather I would need to work through that.
I believe I have, although it was a long process, but now the thoughts of my grandfather bring me great joy and happiness.
The healing that I experienced through walking through the difficult grief process have allowed me to remember the wonderful things that are so special about my DanDan, and to celebrate the time I had with him.
Grief often causes us to close down and redirect our emotions, but I will say this...the beauty that comes from the healing of loosing a loved one and seeing the grief process through allows that persons life and impact on your life to live in you and through you.
That is a part of them you will always have with you!!!!
So I encourage you, when faced with grief, please do not avoid the process, but allow yourself to truly feel each part of it and know that the Great Comforter will comfort you and carry you through, even when you think you can now longer go on.
Once on the other side you will be the one to walk someone else through the process and comfort them the way you yourself were comforted.

The most difficult lessons can sometimes can be the most transforming....

Growing up in the household I did.....
 I starting reading "christian self-help" books at around 9 years old...
and ALWAYS  talked through things,

 I learned that at all times there was "something" to "work on" 

As I have gotten older I have realized the majority of the world did not have this experience and really do not want to talk about things FOREVER!!!!

I was shocked!!!

but .....

then this morning I came across a study I did on Queen Ester and some notes I took.....

Queen Ester, known as the heroine who saved the Jewish people, and whose story is the basis for the celebration of Purim (an annual feast established to celebrate the memory of their deliverance) in the Jewish tradition.

Ester is also commemorated as a matriarch in the Calendar of Saints.

The notes I found made me STOP and think about how I approach things.....

and gave me a new perspective...

Queen Ester....

paused

waited

consulted

prayed

decided

acted

and adjusted.

She did not rush into action in her own wisdom....

she paused, waited on God, consulted those she respected and trusted, she prayed for direction, she was decisive when she received the direction and she acted....

and then when necessary she adjusted.

and her words were.....

words of respect

words of welcome

words of caution

words that were direct

......and......

(this is probably the hardest one for me.....)

she used words that were few in number....

As I reviewed my study and my notes I was again amazed at the wisdom of Ester, and I pray that before I speak I will take the time Ester did.
She ensured that the words that came from her were words of wisdom and those words ultimately saved a nation!!!
I remember hearing once that when we are in the company of another person, when we leave we have either brought them closer to or further away from Christ. I wonder how often I have pushed people further away by speaking to soon in my own "wisdom" and opinions.

How do we navigate the meadow?

"Deep grief sometimes is almost like a specific location,

a coordinate on a map of time.

When you are standing in that forest of sorrow, you cannot imagine that you could ever find your way to a better place.

But if someone can assure you that they themselves have stood in that same place, and now have moved on, sometimes this will bring hope."

Elizabeth Gilbert

Eat, Pray, Love

I have been working on another post that I thought for sure, and had even made plans to finish up and post tonight

....until.....

I attended a guided meditation that took me on a journey I knew I needed to record.

The last post titled "The Meadow" introduces a "place" I have found myself often when things have become too difficult, and tonight I gained even more clarity of that "place"

"the forest of sorrow" IS "the meadow"

The meditation tonight was focused on 

"JOY"

I assume at this moment you are a bit confused as to why a guided meditation on Joy reveled clarity to my "meadow" experiences which have all been a result of difficulty....

(I have to admit I was surprised when I found myself going to the meadow so often as I focused on joy) 

so please allow me to explain....

During the meditation we were asked to think of a time that brought us immense joy...

The first thought that came to mind was 2 months into the relationship that I feel certain was with the 

Love of my Life. 

It was a time of immense joy and it was wonderful!!!

but....that relationship ended

and

 my mind immediately went to the sadness I still feel today (over a year later) that it is over.....

.....and I found myself in the meadow, still not knowing how I will ever get through this....

So I decided to focus on another time of great joy,

and I thought of being a child and being on the golf course with my grandfather.

.....and once again.....

sadness....

my grandfather passed away when I was 9 years old.

I was back in the meadow,  a 9 year old little girl,

lost, alone and terrified....

so I searched my thoughts for another time.

The time was when I had the opportunity to open be~lie~ve,

 a store that specialized in products for women diagnosed with breast cancer.

This dream came to me one day and in less than a year it was real!!

It was an amazing and beautiful dream realized right in front of me....

but unfortunately be~lie~ve closed and I was devastated.....

and I was right back in the meadow....

so why do these memories of great joy lead me back to the meadow?

because what leads me back to the meadow is 

.....grief.....

the loss of that "thing" that brought me great joy is now gone from my life....

lately I have felt trapped in the meadow....

....but I feel it is extremely important to mention.....

 The meadow is not a dark place.

  Actually it is very bright, as the sun from above shines down on me.....

but I still can't see because the grass is taller than I am......

I never really thought of the brightness of the meadow, but it has never been a dark place....

As I wrestle with the meaning of that,

I realize it is simple.

I have never once believed that God was not with me in the meadow. 

I have always trusted that He would guide me through the meadow....

So then why would I be fearful?

It's simple~control!!

My life is not my own...

The struggle of trying to control the outcomes in my life lead me straight to the meadow....

When my life doesn't look the way I think it should what does that mean?

 The loss of something that has brought me more joy than I can imagine ...

...is what leads me to a place of extreme grief 

and it begs the question, "if this is over...what now?"

If the relationship that I knew for certain would last forever is over, then what do I do with the dreams I had for our future?

I am currently living through a meadow experience that has been extremely difficult, there are days when I feel like I can't possibly go on...

It feels like too much!!!

I so wish I knew how long it would last, but I do not.

I do know that just like all the other meadow experiences, I have to see it through.

I have to fully grieve the loss.

(if I don't I can never truly heal~and more that ANYTHING I want to heal)

So often we feel the beginning of grief and we run....we close off....

we fill our minds with something, we get busy, we fill our time, and we try to replace what was lost with something, anything, 

so as not to feel the pain of the grief....

but if we do that, we are blocking our own healing, and future joy....

That is where I am now....I don't feel like I am ready to let the "dream die," I am terrified of what that will mean, but because I won't release it I feel like many of us have felt while waiting for someone to die...

We don't want them to go, and we don't want to let go, but we know it is inevitable and  as time ticks away we are paralyzed with fear...

even though we know that the release of this world will be such a relief for them, 

and it will also allow us to start the healing process.....

......but that place is excruciating!!!

The place I am in in this moment, as I type these words to share with you, is that excruciating place.

However, this is not because I am waiting for someone to actually pass into another realm, but I am trying to hold on to a dream that I have had for a very long time and I don't want to let it go.....

....because if the dream dies, then what?

Will I ever be fulfilled?

Will I ever recover? 

Will I have the strength to allow myself to fully experience the grief of this loss, of this dream?

I know deep down that the answer is yes, but it is terrifying, because I believe I know what is best for my life.

The truth is....if this dream is not to be realized then at my core I know God has a greater dream for my life.....

one that He has already begun to weave for me, 

while at the same time He is also preparing me, as He comforts me, to one day comfort someone else. 

Without this time in the meadow, I would not have any idea how to comfort someone else who is in this meadow....

but because He brought me here, He has a purpose for it...

He WILL bring me through it and He will use it for someone else's good and for His glory.....

So what do we do when we find ourselves in the meadow?

We look up!!!!

We look to The One who will guide and comfort us through the meadow. 

The warmth of the sun He has provided is not only for our comfort, 

but it is also the light that will allow us to be lead through the meadow.

.....this will allow us to fully grieve the loss of what ever brought us to the meadow, with the comfort of The Great Comforter. 

We are not alone!!

We will NEVER be alone!!!!

He will never leave us in the meadow alone.....

He is there with us every step of the way....

....even when it feels like everyone else has deserted us....

...and when the time has come...

.....when we have fully grieved the loss, 

we will find ourselves at the edge of the meadow, 

with the glow of the sun radiating through us.

A new creation!!!

Ready to experience joy again!!!

My prayer for you, and for me,

is that we will look up for the strength to truly grieve,

we will see the process through....

.....and then we will find ourselves at the edge of the meadow with joy in front of us!!!

During those meadow times, I often find comfort through hearing truth I know through song....

this song got me through a long time in the meadow and I pray it will do the same for you, whenever you find yourself in the meadow.....

https://youtu.be/zH6uffpLslQ

Be your best you today.....

Happy Saturday!!!

The Meadow

Have you ever felt as though you are smack dab in the middle of a meadow and you have no idea which way to go because the grass is taller than you are and you can't see anything in ANY direction?
 I have!
 More than once in my life of 39 years.
I feel like to truly understand my story, this visual of the meadow is very important.
There have been many times in my life when I have found myself in this "meadow".....
when there was a difficult decision to make,
when I lost my grandfather at 9 years old and had no idea what to do or how to go on without him~and how to do it alone because everyone else was grieving too~and I didn't even know what grieving was,
when I left for college,
even the year before college as I prepared for being away from home for the first time,
when I lost friends way to early (many many friends),
 and when I experienced and completely lost myself in a love more passionate and deep than I believed was real,
and then......I lost that love....
 and I can't leave out the many many times when I have been through seasons that I felt I was not prepared for because I never thought they would happen
.....atleast not to me.....
and I didn't have a "plan."
As a little I was always a planner.
I was also a dreamer!!
I would fantasize about so many things....
a common fantasy was living in a different era
(I just knew I was somehow "misplaced" and I was really supposed to be the lead character in my own Jane Austen novel. I wasn't sure where the mistake was made but I was certain it was!!!)
  I would get lost for hours, sometimes even days, in the stories of  Elizabeth Bennett,
and
will she and Mr. Darcy really end up together?
and......
then I would think about "my" reality...or was it a fantasy?
.....will I ever find "my Mr. Darcy?"

I grew up in a true bubble. I know that I did. I am very well aware of the fact that the space in which I grew up does not, and certainly did not exist for everyone.
I group in a loving family. I was the only "child" in the entire family for seven years so I got a lot of attention and a lot of adult time.
I was spoiled, yes, it's true, and I recognize that. I was protected from the outside world in may ways.
I have been known to say, quite often, that if I broke the rules, my father changed them, and that's true.

I always did~ and still do have a lot to say.
I am also a deep thinker, sometimes I believe I think far too much!!!
(possibly the result of being the daughter of 2 therapists, or simply just how I am wired)
But because the fact is, that I love to write, actually that is quite helpful!!
I will never forget meeting with a priest that I greatly admire and respect, who said to me,
"Kimberly, instead of trying to get "out" of your own head, why not hang out there and see what's REALLY there"
 I have a love for people, and to do everything in my power to bring them joy and happiness in any way possible!!!
Unfortunately, my passion sometimes extends beyond what I am capable of, and things don't always work out the way I imagined them, and I have learned that at times I do what "I" think others would love and not quite what they do love.
 I have seen pain in this world that I still can not completely grasp.
I feel at my very core, and for years I have thought that I felt too deeply, especially pain for others,
but I have learned that if I refocus that pain into some sort of action, it is quite amazing and healing!!!

 I have experienced my own pain as well. Pain that I never imagined I would experience and at times it has been excruciating, there have been days I did not honestly know how to go on.
I have struggled with the God I was taught about in Sunday school and from my grandfather's words from behind a pulpit. I have struggled with people that I sat beside in church for years hearing the same message and wondered how in the world we could be so different in our beliefs when ultimately we "claim" to believe the same things.
 I have realized that it is hard for me to move past the difficulties I have seen and experienced throughout life. My father knew that about me and protected me from the evil outside as long as he could, but one has to grow up at some point and experience the real world.

 I have always wanted to do the right thing and make others proud, but I have fallen short quite often, and I have experienced a great deal of shame from some of those choices
I have lived under the burden of that shame for years,
.... and that shame in a lot of ways manifested as fear....
Fear of failure.
Fear of never being truly loved for who I am.
(I AM quirky!!  and I know that.
 I don't follow the crowd,
I have my own way and sometimes others think it is a bit much,
 but I know what I love and I love it openly.)
Fear of not being good enough.
Fear of not being able to follow through.
Fearing of being internally broken in some way that could never be fixed.
Fear that I will not be able to overcome certain "parts" of who I am that have kept me from living the life I so desire to live.
BUT.....

.....Prepare yourself....
Hear comes some good news....
I believe that we are all stronger than our feelings.
We are stronger than our shame.
We are stronger than our past.
and we are so much stronger than we believe we are!!!

 I am at my very core a story-teller.
Maybe it's the southern legacy I am a part of,
(more to come of the legacy I come from~I am quite proud!!!)
maybe it's just how God made me,
but I have many people in my life who have made a joke out of numbering my stories because I re-tell my favorite ones OVER and OVER!!!
(I have learned that I tell a LOT of stories when I am nervous!!)
I am also the absolute definition of sentimental!!! So I hold on to those "moments" and relive them through repeating them quite often.
When you combine those two things you get a mess sometimes.....but sometimes I have found that there is a clarity that can be found in the repeating that is enlightening.
 This world can be an ugly, evil place
.....yes......
but it is also a beautiful, redemptive picture of a God that created a sunrise every morning and a sunset every evening and springtime flowers and beauties that leave us in awe on a daily basis(if we look up to see them) .
Most importantly, He created US, we are ALL a picture of Him.
( I believe that everyone who has ever lived, or ever will live has a characteristic of God that quite possibly ONLY THEY possess
~and collectively ALL of humankind together make up the true picture of God~
when ANYONE is excluded or missing the picture is not complete).
We were made in His image and that complete image is not one we will see until the day we are called home, but in each and every human on this earth we see a glimpse and a picture of Christ that helps us to form a picture of who He is.
 It is like an amazing puzzle that we continue to see come together throughout our entire lives!!!
Everyday I try to see those characteristics in others that I do not possess, and may have never seen before, and that may otherwise be missed, but are those little glimpses of who God is.
I have always had a love for people.
 When I was very little, probably around 5, I attended a funeral of a distant relative, and I clearly remember saying "When I die, and we have my "party", I want everyone to look different!!"
(I think this is story #17  :)
I was always drawn to all types of people. I still am, and I want to know their story. I want to know what makes them happy, what makes them sad, and what makes their heart smile.
 I know in this life we will have many difficulties and I pray that through those experiences we will all learn to understand how to identify the feelings attached to what we are experiencing and learn how to live in that place until we can appropriately express that emotion to the fullest extent, to become whole, healthy people who strive to love our differences and celebrate how TOGETHER we ALL create the picture of a beautiful loving God.  My purpose in writing this book is to tell the story of how a young girl who did everything in her power to do what others thought was right and good, and then made some big choices that caused guilt and shame to rule over her life for years learned how to walk on her own, and define for herself what life is~actually what she wanted her life to look like, not what someone else thought it should look like.
 (It has taken quite a while, and I don't know that  I am quite there yet, but I am getting closer)
 The purpose of this "story" is not just to share my experiences with you, but my prayer is that together we can explore the grace that is offered so freely by God when life doesn't look like we think it should, and how, as Dan Allender says, we can become "co-authors with Him of our own story."
Thank you for joining me on this journey....

"EVERYWHERE life is full of Heroism".....Desiderata

I am so thrilled to be embarking on this journey to share my story with you, but I am continually hit like a big bag of concrete falling on my head.......

WHY? What is the purpose? Who really is my audience?.....and.... how do I allow God's gifts and the experiences of my life meld together to really make a difference for other girls/women?

 I truly believe there is a gap somewhere in all communities, and especially in churches, for girls at the most crucial times of their own development of identity, and I want to be a beacon of hope for those girls!!!! I want to at least be the lighthouse that leads them to a safe place to prepare for this thing we call life!!! 

I made choices that were hard and painful and out of sheer fear at times, and I want to speak out to other girls and mothers of those girls in those important years of establishing who they are, and be a guide for them to write their own story. I want to share the tools I have learned in my 39 years about how to arm themselves at ALL stages of their lives to live the life they were created for, and then to write the story THEY will be so proud of. To use up every ounce of strength they are given each and every day, because tomorrow with the sunrise there will be a whole new batch of strength and hope. 

I want to be a part of a world where women realize their purpose. We were created for an irreplaceable purpose!!!! Not to try to be just like the boys, they have their place, and we have ours.,...and if only we could realize our purpose and strength and the power that God has placed within us, I feel sure we would live our lives much differently!!!! I believe we would live lives with excitement and passion that has no place for fear.

 I want to live out of God's heart everyday and I want it to overflow!!! As my dear long time friend (and at times my life saver and check point of sanity) Carrie says....I want to "ooze Jesus," and I want to encourage other girls to do the same. I have such a strong desire to leave my own legacy, and I want to be the encouragement to young girls, as well as the mother's of those girls to own their place in history and live the story that THEY write along side THE one that made them, to leave their own legacy that changes generations!!!!! 

As I sat through a guided meditation tonight we focused on fear and the effect it has on all of us. But, we have a choice, we can let that fear paralyze us and keep us from living out our dreams, or we can embrace that fear and use it as a catalyst to push us to greater things than we could ever even dream of!!

This is my purpose in writing "my story"...that it will be, not just a story about the daughter of 2 mental health professionals and the grand-daughter of a Southern Baptist preacher who lived a life that for many many years was lived for others.A life of overthinking everything!!! A life filled with the fear of failure and not meeting the expectations of others, BUT instead, the process of understanding and using the tools I learned from those I was raised and surrounded by to help guide others to celebrate every day of this life. To overcome the shame of some choices made, and develop a "program" to live out the rest of their life with purpose and confident hope, and to eliminate that ugly word "shame" from their lives.

My prayer through this process is that as I recount experiences of my life, that have been both incredible AND devastating, that others would be encouraged to claim their life right now so that in the end that can say they are exactly who they want to be, and have lived the life they know they were meant to live.