Have you ever felt as though you are smack dab in the middle of a meadow and you have no idea which way to go because the grass is taller than you are and you can't see anything in ANY direction?
I have!
More than once in my life of 39 years.
I feel like to truly understand my story, this visual of the meadow is very important.
There have been many times in my life when I have found myself in this "meadow".....
when there was a difficult decision to make,
when I lost my grandfather at 9 years old and had no idea what to do or how to go on without him~and how to do it alone because everyone else was grieving too~and I didn't even know what grieving was,
when I left for college,
even the year before college as I prepared for being away from home for the first time,
when I lost friends way to early (many many friends),
and when I experienced and completely lost myself in a love more passionate and deep than I believed was real,
and then......I lost that love....
and I can't leave out the many many times when I have been through seasons that I felt I was not prepared for because I never thought they would happen
.....atleast not to me.....
and I didn't have a "plan."
As a little I was always a planner.
I was also a dreamer!!
I would fantasize about so many things....
a common fantasy was living in a different era
(I just knew I was somehow "misplaced" and I was really supposed to be the lead character in my own Jane Austen novel. I wasn't sure where the mistake was made but I was certain it was!!!)
I would get lost for hours, sometimes even days, in the stories of Elizabeth Bennett,
and
will she and Mr. Darcy really end up together?
and......
then I would think about "my" reality...or was it a fantasy?
.....will I ever find "my Mr. Darcy?"
I grew up in a true bubble. I know that I did. I am very well aware of the fact that the space in which I grew up does not, and certainly did not exist for everyone.
I group in a loving family. I was the only "child" in the entire family for seven years so I got a lot of attention and a lot of adult time.
I was spoiled, yes, it's true, and I recognize that. I was protected from the outside world in may ways.
I have been known to say, quite often, that if I broke the rules, my father changed them, and that's true.
I always did~ and still do have a lot to say.
I am also a deep thinker, sometimes I believe I think far too much!!!
(possibly the result of being the daughter of 2 therapists, or simply just how I am wired)
But because the fact is, that I love to write, actually that is quite helpful!!
I will never forget meeting with a priest that I greatly admire and respect, who said to me,
"Kimberly, instead of trying to get "out" of your own head, why not hang out there and see what's REALLY there"
I have a love for people, and to do everything in my power to bring them joy and happiness in any way possible!!!
Unfortunately, my passion sometimes extends beyond what I am capable of, and things don't always work out the way I imagined them, and I have learned that at times I do what "I" think others would love and not quite what they do love.
I have seen pain in this world that I still can not completely grasp.
I feel at my very core, and for years I have thought that I felt too deeply, especially pain for others,
but I have learned that if I refocus that pain into some sort of action, it is quite amazing and healing!!!
I have experienced my own pain as well. Pain that I never imagined I would experience and at times it has been excruciating, there have been days I did not honestly know how to go on.
I have struggled with the God I was taught about in Sunday school and from my grandfather's words from behind a pulpit. I have struggled with people that I sat beside in church for years hearing the same message and wondered how in the world we could be so different in our beliefs when ultimately we "claim" to believe the same things.
I have realized that it is hard for me to move past the difficulties I have seen and experienced throughout life. My father knew that about me and protected me from the evil outside as long as he could, but one has to grow up at some point and experience the real world.
I have always wanted to do the right thing and make others proud, but I have fallen short quite often, and I have experienced a great deal of shame from some of those choices
I have lived under the burden of that shame for years,
.... and that shame in a lot of ways manifested as fear....
Fear of failure.
Fear of never being truly loved for who I am.
(I AM quirky!! and I know that.
I don't follow the crowd,
I have my own way and sometimes others think it is a bit much,
but I know what I love and I love it openly.)
Fear of not being good enough.
Fear of not being able to follow through.
Fearing of being internally broken in some way that could never be fixed.
Fear that I will not be able to overcome certain "parts" of who I am that have kept me from living the life I so desire to live.
BUT.....
.....Prepare yourself....
Hear comes some good news....
I believe that we are all stronger than our feelings.
We are stronger than our shame.
We are stronger than our past.
and we are so much stronger than we believe we are!!!
I am at my very core a story-teller.
Maybe it's the southern legacy I am a part of,
(more to come of the legacy I come from~I am quite proud!!!)
maybe it's just how God made me,
but I have many people in my life who have made a joke out of numbering my stories because I re-tell my favorite ones OVER and OVER!!!
(I have learned that I tell a LOT of stories when I am nervous!!)
I am also the absolute definition of sentimental!!! So I hold on to those "moments" and relive them through repeating them quite often.
When you combine those two things you get a mess sometimes.....but sometimes I have found that there is a clarity that can be found in the repeating that is enlightening.
This world can be an ugly, evil place
.....yes......
but it is also a beautiful, redemptive picture of a God that created a sunrise every morning and a sunset every evening and springtime flowers and beauties that leave us in awe on a daily basis(if we look up to see them) .
Most importantly, He created US, we are ALL a picture of Him.
( I believe that everyone who has ever lived, or ever will live has a characteristic of God that quite possibly ONLY THEY possess
~and collectively ALL of humankind together make up the true picture of God~
when ANYONE is excluded or missing the picture is not complete).
We were made in His image and that complete image is not one we will see until the day we are called home, but in each and every human on this earth we see a glimpse and a picture of Christ that helps us to form a picture of who He is.
It is like an amazing puzzle that we continue to see come together throughout our entire lives!!!
Everyday I try to see those characteristics in others that I do not possess, and may have never seen before, and that may otherwise be missed, but are those little glimpses of who God is.
I have always had a love for people.
When I was very little, probably around 5, I attended a funeral of a distant relative, and I clearly remember saying "When I die, and we have my "party", I want everyone to look different!!"
(I think this is story #17 :)
I was always drawn to all types of people. I still am, and I want to know their story. I want to know what makes them happy, what makes them sad, and what makes their heart smile.
I know in this life we will have many difficulties and I pray that through those experiences we will all learn to understand how to identify the feelings attached to what we are experiencing and learn how to live in that place until we can appropriately express that emotion to the fullest extent, to become whole, healthy people who strive to love our differences and celebrate how TOGETHER we ALL create the picture of a beautiful loving God. My purpose in writing this book is to tell the story of how a young girl who did everything in her power to do what others thought was right and good, and then made some big choices that caused guilt and shame to rule over her life for years learned how to walk on her own, and define for herself what life is~actually what she wanted her life to look like, not what someone else thought it should look like.
(It has taken quite a while, and I don't know that I am quite there yet, but I am getting closer)
The purpose of this "story" is not just to share my experiences with you, but my prayer is that together we can explore the grace that is offered so freely by God when life doesn't look like we think it should, and how, as Dan Allender says, we can become "co-authors with Him of our own story."
Thank you for joining me on this journey....
I have!
More than once in my life of 39 years.
I feel like to truly understand my story, this visual of the meadow is very important.
There have been many times in my life when I have found myself in this "meadow".....
when there was a difficult decision to make,
when I lost my grandfather at 9 years old and had no idea what to do or how to go on without him~and how to do it alone because everyone else was grieving too~and I didn't even know what grieving was,
when I left for college,
even the year before college as I prepared for being away from home for the first time,
when I lost friends way to early (many many friends),
and when I experienced and completely lost myself in a love more passionate and deep than I believed was real,
and then......I lost that love....
and I can't leave out the many many times when I have been through seasons that I felt I was not prepared for because I never thought they would happen
.....atleast not to me.....
and I didn't have a "plan."
As a little I was always a planner.
I was also a dreamer!!
I would fantasize about so many things....
a common fantasy was living in a different era
(I just knew I was somehow "misplaced" and I was really supposed to be the lead character in my own Jane Austen novel. I wasn't sure where the mistake was made but I was certain it was!!!)
I would get lost for hours, sometimes even days, in the stories of Elizabeth Bennett,
and
will she and Mr. Darcy really end up together?
and......
then I would think about "my" reality...or was it a fantasy?
.....will I ever find "my Mr. Darcy?"
I grew up in a true bubble. I know that I did. I am very well aware of the fact that the space in which I grew up does not, and certainly did not exist for everyone.
I group in a loving family. I was the only "child" in the entire family for seven years so I got a lot of attention and a lot of adult time.
I was spoiled, yes, it's true, and I recognize that. I was protected from the outside world in may ways.
I have been known to say, quite often, that if I broke the rules, my father changed them, and that's true.
I always did~ and still do have a lot to say.
I am also a deep thinker, sometimes I believe I think far too much!!!
(possibly the result of being the daughter of 2 therapists, or simply just how I am wired)
But because the fact is, that I love to write, actually that is quite helpful!!
I will never forget meeting with a priest that I greatly admire and respect, who said to me,
"Kimberly, instead of trying to get "out" of your own head, why not hang out there and see what's REALLY there"
I have a love for people, and to do everything in my power to bring them joy and happiness in any way possible!!!
Unfortunately, my passion sometimes extends beyond what I am capable of, and things don't always work out the way I imagined them, and I have learned that at times I do what "I" think others would love and not quite what they do love.
I have seen pain in this world that I still can not completely grasp.
I feel at my very core, and for years I have thought that I felt too deeply, especially pain for others,
but I have learned that if I refocus that pain into some sort of action, it is quite amazing and healing!!!
I have experienced my own pain as well. Pain that I never imagined I would experience and at times it has been excruciating, there have been days I did not honestly know how to go on.
I have struggled with the God I was taught about in Sunday school and from my grandfather's words from behind a pulpit. I have struggled with people that I sat beside in church for years hearing the same message and wondered how in the world we could be so different in our beliefs when ultimately we "claim" to believe the same things.
I have realized that it is hard for me to move past the difficulties I have seen and experienced throughout life. My father knew that about me and protected me from the evil outside as long as he could, but one has to grow up at some point and experience the real world.
I have always wanted to do the right thing and make others proud, but I have fallen short quite often, and I have experienced a great deal of shame from some of those choices
I have lived under the burden of that shame for years,
.... and that shame in a lot of ways manifested as fear....
Fear of failure.
Fear of never being truly loved for who I am.
(I AM quirky!! and I know that.
I don't follow the crowd,
I have my own way and sometimes others think it is a bit much,
but I know what I love and I love it openly.)
Fear of not being good enough.
Fear of not being able to follow through.
Fearing of being internally broken in some way that could never be fixed.
Fear that I will not be able to overcome certain "parts" of who I am that have kept me from living the life I so desire to live.
BUT.....
.....Prepare yourself....
Hear comes some good news....
I believe that we are all stronger than our feelings.
We are stronger than our shame.
We are stronger than our past.
and we are so much stronger than we believe we are!!!
I am at my very core a story-teller.
Maybe it's the southern legacy I am a part of,
(more to come of the legacy I come from~I am quite proud!!!)
maybe it's just how God made me,
but I have many people in my life who have made a joke out of numbering my stories because I re-tell my favorite ones OVER and OVER!!!
(I have learned that I tell a LOT of stories when I am nervous!!)
I am also the absolute definition of sentimental!!! So I hold on to those "moments" and relive them through repeating them quite often.
When you combine those two things you get a mess sometimes.....but sometimes I have found that there is a clarity that can be found in the repeating that is enlightening.
This world can be an ugly, evil place
.....yes......
but it is also a beautiful, redemptive picture of a God that created a sunrise every morning and a sunset every evening and springtime flowers and beauties that leave us in awe on a daily basis(if we look up to see them) .
Most importantly, He created US, we are ALL a picture of Him.
( I believe that everyone who has ever lived, or ever will live has a characteristic of God that quite possibly ONLY THEY possess
~and collectively ALL of humankind together make up the true picture of God~
when ANYONE is excluded or missing the picture is not complete).
We were made in His image and that complete image is not one we will see until the day we are called home, but in each and every human on this earth we see a glimpse and a picture of Christ that helps us to form a picture of who He is.
It is like an amazing puzzle that we continue to see come together throughout our entire lives!!!
Everyday I try to see those characteristics in others that I do not possess, and may have never seen before, and that may otherwise be missed, but are those little glimpses of who God is.
I have always had a love for people.
When I was very little, probably around 5, I attended a funeral of a distant relative, and I clearly remember saying "When I die, and we have my "party", I want everyone to look different!!"
(I think this is story #17 :)
I was always drawn to all types of people. I still am, and I want to know their story. I want to know what makes them happy, what makes them sad, and what makes their heart smile.
I know in this life we will have many difficulties and I pray that through those experiences we will all learn to understand how to identify the feelings attached to what we are experiencing and learn how to live in that place until we can appropriately express that emotion to the fullest extent, to become whole, healthy people who strive to love our differences and celebrate how TOGETHER we ALL create the picture of a beautiful loving God. My purpose in writing this book is to tell the story of how a young girl who did everything in her power to do what others thought was right and good, and then made some big choices that caused guilt and shame to rule over her life for years learned how to walk on her own, and define for herself what life is~actually what she wanted her life to look like, not what someone else thought it should look like.
(It has taken quite a while, and I don't know that I am quite there yet, but I am getting closer)
The purpose of this "story" is not just to share my experiences with you, but my prayer is that together we can explore the grace that is offered so freely by God when life doesn't look like we think it should, and how, as Dan Allender says, we can become "co-authors with Him of our own story."
Thank you for joining me on this journey....
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