Go placidly amid the noise & haste, & remember. what peace there may be in silence. ~Desiderata

We are brought into a world surrounded by noise.

So much noise, that for most of us, we live our lives not really knowing which messages come from where.

So how are we to learn to decipher the messages that come from deep within us?

We have all heard "go with your gut," but do we?

Do we even know how?

It took a very long time and quite honestly, a lot of pain and questioning, for me to learn to hear what messages were coming from deep within. 

The messages my own body was telling me.

Those messages were discounted and dismissed for years from just about everyone I shared them with, so I began to wonder,

(when you are born into a family of mental health professionals it crosses your mind a few times- "Am I crazy?"

"Is this all in my head?")

There is a  process I have found that has allowed me to shut out the noise and hear what my body is saying to me about everything I need to know.

I have found this exercise to be very helpful, and simple! 

Throughout the day, take a few moments and take 3 long breaths.

(Set a reminder on your phone if necessary to remind you)

Wherever you are, in your car, the restroom at the office, in line for coffee, just take a moment and breathe.

Breathe in through your nose, and as the air fills your lungs allow yourself to breathe in newness.

Then, as your breathe out through your mouth, let go of everything in your mind, 

for just these few moments, 

just BE.

Studies have shown that just these 3 focused breaths can realign your entire body, mind, and spirit.

So, let's start there, and begin the conversation with the complex brilliant machine that houses our very essence.

I wonder what it will tell us?

So now what?.......

It has been over a month since I have been able to put words to this part of the "process" of my journey, but I am more certain than ever that EVERYTHING, in fact, does have a purpose and meaning.

But, it is not as simple as it sounds.

We have a part in this story, in OUR story.

We can decide what we will lean in to and what we will turn our backs on.

As I have so often said, I was raised in a unique environment of God-fearing, God-loving, people-loving role models who just so happened to have a LOT of training in Theology and Psychology.

I always knew that I should never take anything for granted, good or bad, but the lesson I feel I was never truly taught how to take from the textbook and put into an ongoing practice was listening to and trusting my own body over the noise of all of the solicited and unsolicited opinions of others.

I must always remember and be grateful for the many blessings in my life, but I also must face obstacles with a purpose of learning the lesson they were intended to teach.

Today, I am so very grateful for so many things, that to list them would prove to be a never ending project; and I have seen, and continue to see the lessons and truths learned through my pain and loss. My sincere hope is that by sharing the lessons and truths of my story,  that others may become more attuned to their own conversation with the brilliant complex machine that houses their very soul. 

I believe we all have to learn to listen to our bodies. 

But, if we will turn our ears to listen, our bodies WILL be faithful to tell us how to properly care for and keep it at its top potential.

I will share with you in coming posts what I have learned in listening to my own body regarding everything from assessing pain to how I have been able to determine how my body needs to be fed, and all that falls in between.

 My hope is that you will learn to ask your body some of the same questions I have, and by extension, better hear what your body wants to tell you, so that you can care for yourself in the best possible way.

The Aftermath

In November of 2015 I admitted in my post that I struggled with fear, and that I was quite often baffled by my unwavering belief in God alongside my intense fear about so many things. 

I wish I could tell you as I write this post today that the fear I spoke of has been overcome, but alas......I cannot.

The truth is, this last year has been the hardest year I have lived. 

It makes textbook sense, but it doesn't make logical sense.

As I have said before, I ended 2014 AND 2015 with surgeries, the latter being a full hysterectomy and the reality that I would not ever be blessed with the experience of carrying and giving birth to a child.

I had chosen denial for my entire adult life, ignoring the doctor's and choosing to believe somehow I would have the opportunity, but as 2015 came to a close I could no longer live in that denial fantasy.

As my endometriosis (which by the way is still not in many auto correct dictionaries) continued to scream that something was very wrong inside my body and the process of discovery began, I went into an emotional catatonia. 

I was emotionally frozen. 

I didn't have the emotional capacity to accept the truth inside my own body.

But, it did not go away, it did not disappear, it went rogue! 

It began attaching to and attacking any and everything within it's reach, eventually making it's way to my emotional and mental state.

As I prepared for the hysterectomy I told my mother I was fearful of my emotional state when I woke up from the anesthesia. 

I didn't know if I would find that I had already grieved the loss and be able to move on, or if I would fall apart. 

The not knowing was the most unnerving.

So here we are a little over a year later, and I wish I could say that I was able to put it all behind me and live in the promise of other dreams and desires. 

The truth is, the aftermath of so many years of undiagnosed pain, denial of the future outcome, fear of the worst, the realization of the worst becoming my reality, and the actualization of that worst scenario has been excruciating.

It has. 

That is the honest truth.

But, I'm still living, and loving my time with my niece and nephew, now more than ever, and I still hope!

I hope for something I can't see or imagine, but I can hope for it, and I do!

Every single day!

So why publish something like this?

There are so many reasons.....

So that other girls will not take the dismissal of parents and doctors and think it's just not that bad, but will push for answers so it doesn't get to the point mine did.

To acknowledge the pain of the death of our dreams.

To put words to my pain so that I can continue to heal.

But, most of all, to encourage every female (and by extension males also) to know their body and protect and care for their body, and advocate for their body when they know something is wrong. 

If even one girl, or the mother of a young girl showing early signs of endo, would read these words and realize that the knowledge of her body supersedes what even a doctor says, and grant her the courage to not accept dismissal then my words have purpose.

My story did not have to include stage IV endometriosis and a hysterectomy at 39, but if sharing my story can keep someone else from walking the same road then it is given purpose.