The Aftermath

In November of 2015 I admitted in my post that I struggled with fear, and that I was quite often baffled by my unwavering belief in God alongside my intense fear about so many things. 

I wish I could tell you as I write this post today that the fear I spoke of has been overcome, but alas......I cannot.

The truth is, this last year has been the hardest year I have lived. 

It makes textbook sense, but it doesn't make logical sense.

As I have said before, I ended 2014 AND 2015 with surgeries, the latter being a full hysterectomy and the reality that I would not ever be blessed with the experience of carrying and giving birth to a child.

I had chosen denial for my entire adult life, ignoring the doctor's and choosing to believe somehow I would have the opportunity, but as 2015 came to a close I could no longer live in that denial fantasy.

As my endometriosis (which by the way is still not in many auto correct dictionaries) continued to scream that something was very wrong inside my body and the process of discovery began, I went into an emotional catatonia. 

I was emotionally frozen. 

I didn't have the emotional capacity to accept the truth inside my own body.

But, it did not go away, it did not disappear, it went rogue! 

It began attaching to and attacking any and everything within it's reach, eventually making it's way to my emotional and mental state.

As I prepared for the hysterectomy I told my mother I was fearful of my emotional state when I woke up from the anesthesia. 

I didn't know if I would find that I had already grieved the loss and be able to move on, or if I would fall apart. 

The not knowing was the most unnerving.

So here we are a little over a year later, and I wish I could say that I was able to put it all behind me and live in the promise of other dreams and desires. 

The truth is, the aftermath of so many years of undiagnosed pain, denial of the future outcome, fear of the worst, the realization of the worst becoming my reality, and the actualization of that worst scenario has been excruciating.

It has. 

That is the honest truth.

But, I'm still living, and loving my time with my niece and nephew, now more than ever, and I still hope!

I hope for something I can't see or imagine, but I can hope for it, and I do!

Every single day!

So why publish something like this?

There are so many reasons.....

So that other girls will not take the dismissal of parents and doctors and think it's just not that bad, but will push for answers so it doesn't get to the point mine did.

To acknowledge the pain of the death of our dreams.

To put words to my pain so that I can continue to heal.

But, most of all, to encourage every female (and by extension males also) to know their body and protect and care for their body, and advocate for their body when they know something is wrong. 

If even one girl, or the mother of a young girl showing early signs of endo, would read these words and realize that the knowledge of her body supersedes what even a doctor says, and grant her the courage to not accept dismissal then my words have purpose.

My story did not have to include stage IV endometriosis and a hysterectomy at 39, but if sharing my story can keep someone else from walking the same road then it is given purpose.