Why is the truth sometimes harder than a lie?

I said in my blog post on November 11th, 2015 that I had taken some time away from writing bc life had been a bit overwhelming.
To say that life was "a bit overwhelming" would be disingenuous...
it has been profoundly overwhelming!!!!

More overpowering than I ever could have imagined life could be!!!
I admitted to my battle against fear, but I did not share what the fears were.
I was in no way ready for that level of transparency.
I was not ready to uncover the lies I had begun to believe from others, and the lies I told myself.

What I did not know then...
 was that I was being prepared to look that fear in the face and once and for all
command that it step back!!!
That it would no longer have a hold on me!

The real story that I need to tell, 

the story of my life under "the silent life sentence" 

has been far too difficult to truly share in it's entirety for a very long time. 
I think in large part because I, like many other women who suffer the same, didn't understand it myself.

It is ugly.

It is beyond painful.

It brings up questions of mental weakness.

It has made me question my faith

It has made me question my lack of faith

It reminds me of the people in my life who have said it couldn't be THAT BAD!!!

...those who did not believe me and saw me as weak.

It has made me question, time and again, if I could have just pushed through.

It has made me question so many things that were far to painful to explore, because what if they were worse than the fear?

The deep wound this has caused has been gaping open, unable to heal, 

with no promise that it ever could,.

It has had me trapped in triage mode for quite some time now.

I remember a phone call with my father in the middle of the night when my parents were an ocean away.
 I couldn't sleep.
I was crying uncontrollably because the pain was so intense and I said to him,

"I feel like a bad Christian."

He was perplexed.

"Why do you say that? What do you mean?"

My response was simple,

"I feel like we all have a cross to bear, 

and our job is to bear our cross with dignity and dedication, 

and I can't do that! 
It is just too much!!"

I finally went to sleep that night and to the doctor the next morning, where I was told I needed to be taken to the ER because my blood pressure was dangerously high.

The chaos around me and the intensity that filled the air did not help my blood pressure!!

Things were not getting better, they were getting worse, and I knew that.

Well...... on some level I knew it,
but I was in a level of denial so deep it was numbing.
The news, as it worsened was swirling around me, but I was not letting it penetrate my brain.
Somehow, I just knew that this was going to just go away.

It didn't go away....it continued to get worse, and eventually I had to face the truth. 

My purpose in sharing my story and risking uncovering some of the deepest pain I know is in part for my continued healing, but it has a much bigger purpose...
That bigger purpose has nothing to do with me, but with other women and girls who will be faced with some of the same fears, struggles, and decisions that I have been.
Girls like my little niece Madison.
 If I can protect her in any way I will!!!
(It's never too early!!!~Madi is 3 yrs old)
I will do whatever it takes to ensure she doesn't have to face what I have and I will be her advocate until the day I die. I pray that then she will have learned to be the best advocate for herself!!

Misdiagnosis is an all-too-common experience of endometriosis sufferers, 
which is why it’s imperative that we all know more about it
  so that we can advocate for ourselves. 

Young women’s pain, especially around their periods, is often dismissed as whining, weakness or even a sign of mental imbalance.

The following is an excerpt from The Endometriosis Association website.

"We have tried to educate about the concept that pain with menstruation is not normal – nature does not create pain with a normal, ongoing bodily function. There are many reasons why many women experience menstrual pain in our modern world, particularly dietary reasons. We hope to help teach women to pay close attention to their bodies and not accept the idea that women are designed defectively!"

As I was dealing with what seemed like the worst of the worst with my endo, a friend sent me a copy of an interview Lena Dunham had with Padma Lakshmi, and a few other celebrities. As I read the words of each woman, I was perplexed at how our stories were so aligned. So many times I thought
 "this can't be
THIS is MY story!!"

Here is a brief excerpt

"Padma Lakshmi is a visible woman: as a model, as the perennial host of Top Chef, as a writer of cookbooks and style columns. She’s used this power to co-found a nonprofit, the  Endometriosis Foundation of America, to bring recognition, research, and education to endometriosis. Lakshmi’s own story with the disease reflects the stories of many: beginning with her first period, she battled pain and nausea a week out of every month for 23 years, until her diagnosis at age 36. I got her on the phone to talk more about her awakening to the diagnosis and her work helping others to do the same.

Her endo was so debilitating whenever she had her period it kept her from working and dating during those weeks. 'That’s 25 percent of my life, and I could never get that time back,' she said. We don’t want any other women to lose that time. If you already have an endometriosis diagnosis, consider opening up about it."

I agree whole-heartedly.
 The wound is still so fresh for me, and at times I know it will be so extremely painful. 
However, the hope of helping even one person to advocate for themselves; 
 to not have to suffer as I did for over 20 years, 
and have the potential of a very different outcome
gives purpose to my pain.

https://youtu.be/Ow4OfW4DP9s

In a moment it ALL changes.....

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

I have always loved the symbolism of a New Year. 

the opportunity of

~a New beginning~

This year holds more symbolism and hope for me than ever before!

As you continue to read the upcoming posts you will likely be surprised and confused by that last statement many many times, 

because this year began as I was recovering from a complete hysterectomy.

I have lived over 20 years with a disease that has gone un-diagnosed, mis-diagnosed, and at times dismissed all together. 

As I have lived this process,

 living with endometriosis, 

I have learned that my story is not all that uncommon.

Endometriosis is a painful, chronic disease
that affects AT LEAST 6.3 million women and girls in the US,
1 million in Canada,
and millions more worldwide
according to The Endometrosis Association

 The majority live without an accurate diagnosis and for many women, when they are diagnosed it is too late. A diagnosis coming after an average of 20 years is more common than not.

I am 39.

I have not had children. 

I absolutely LOVE children, 

and have dreamed of one day having my own.

That dream, the way I envisioned it, has died.

BUT, the story is not over......

in many ways it is just beginning!!!

"Just like after every night comes a new day 

and after darkness comes light, 

after a painful death comes new life."

                                                                                                                                                 Author Unknown

 In the upcoming posts I will be recounting a part of my life that I have not shared with many people.

Sure, those closest to me know bits and pieces.

Some have even witnessed the effects that it has had on my life in various forms, 

but even for some that have walked along side me, this will be a surprise.

 I know that as I take time to recall the last 20+ years of my life

(more than HALF of my life)

and record it for all to see,

I will uncover pieces that I have been too fearful of exposing even to myself.

.

The pain I have experienced has been 

covered up, 

shut away,

repressed, 

 projected 

and ignored

So why share it?

Why now?

.....because with death comes new life.....

I have grieved the loss of my dream.

At times, I wondered if there would ever come a time of laughter.

It has been a long, dark, lonely road....

but with the death of the dream I envisioned, new dreams I never could have imagined have been born!!!

and if I only would have known that this death really would bring new life and freedom like it has,

 the decision would have been so much easier.

So I share my story to bring hope to someone else walking that dark, lonely road

My pain that was covered up. shut away.

repressed, projected and ignored,

has been replaced with

freedom, light, truth, honesty, acknowledgement and love.

I recently heard something that shook me, literally shook me, to the core.

(the speaker was talking about her job as an adviser to professionals who counsel individuals who have suffered trauma)

I don't have the words verbatim but I will do my best

.....It's like me, being afraid of the dark, grabbing a pitchfork and a lantern, and leading someone THROUGH THE DARK to conquer their fear..... 

If only I can be that courageous....

https://youtu.be/lDcTvtuuVU8

___________________________________________

"Points of Light"

I have taken some time away from writing lately because life has been a bit overwhelming....

Do you know what that feels like?

You feel like you are rushing around

AND COMPLETING NOTHING!!!

 It feels as though there is a force that is purposely working against you. 

It feels as though the main focus of that force is to sabotage any and every thing you do that is important, and to plant seeds of doubt that maybe you just can't do it at all!!?!!

I have felt that way lately. 

I keep reminding myself that although I have no idea the plans that God has for me, 

He promises in His Word that He does!!!

...and .....that plan

~His plan~ 

is good!!!

and it is full of HOPE!!!!

I have always been a seeker and wanted to know God, know people, know things outside of my environment. I have always believed that by learning more about people who are different than me 

(maybe people that grew up in a different culture or country, or in a house that did not include 2 mental health professionals and a Southern Baptist preacher grandfather down the street, or so many other possibilities) 

we learn more about God......

If we are ALL created in the image of God, then we are all bearers of an aspect of His image that is unique and special and lovely.

By looking for those aspects in others, instead of looking for the "differences" I believe we see...

Who God is , what His heart is, and what He desires....

As I look over my life I see how I have always been plagued with fear!!!

What if I am way off?

I recently attended an event that was truly life changing!!!

This year marked the 25th Anniversary of "Points of Light".

(25 years ago President George H. W. Bush brought to the White House a dedication to traditional American values and a determination to engage the country in becoming 

"a force for good"

In his Inaugural Address, President Bush called on Americans to engage in hands-on, active service to their country and communities as "Points of Light" with the inception of The Points of Light Foundation)

To begin the weekend long meeting of various spiritual leaders a prayer service was held that I was privileged to attend.

"One Prayer;Many Faiths"

This experience was beyond something words could even begin to express.

As I sat next to my dear friend, who happens to be Muslim, ( I am a Christian) in a beautiful sanctuary filled with people from all walks of life and religious and spiritual perspectives I was overwhelmed!!! 

...I have often wondered how can I have such confidence in the God I know and love and a curiosity to know Him more and yet still be so fearful?

During this meeting we were honored to hear from Jon Meacham, Executive Editor and Executive Vice President of Random House, a notable New York Times best selling author, and distinguished visiting professor at Vanderbuilt, (if I continued on with his CV this post may never end)

He said something that has not only stuck with me, but has rattled my little "Southern Baptist taught" brain.

He said.....how can any of us who were created by a Creator that exists outside of time and space, honestly believe that we, who were created in that time and space, understand completely and accurately that Creator?

Lately, I am keenly aware of the fear in my life and how it has affected so many aspects of my life.

I know where fear comes from and I know that I have a choice to give into the fear, 

OR.....

I have the choice to remember that God promises good and not harm. 

He promises to never leave me or forsake me. 

He is so complex that I could never understand and fully know the why and how of His plan.

So those times when I feel He is so far away, I have to check myself and see where the disconnect is. 

Am I choosing fear over the peace promised that passes all understanding?

When it comes to loving others, how do I get to that place where the love is not conditional on whether or not "they" love or accept me back, but out of the love offered to me.....how do I love without expectations??.....

Billy Graham once said

(and I may have posted this quote before, but it is worth a mention again!!!)

"God's job is to judge, the Holy Spirit's job is to convict, and our job is simply to love!!!"

I wonder how can I love better today?

Without expectation of reciprocation....just out of the love that has so freely and lavishly been poured out on me?

~I feel it is important to say that when bad things happen and difficulty and pain peeks its ugly head around the corner, we MUST remember that is a product of the world we live in, and we can choose to focus on that, or we can look to the Creator who loves us, to carry us through and love us through the pain.

He comforts us so that we can comfort others!!!

Who can you comfort today?

Who can I comfort today?

I pray that today we will be given God appointed assignments to love and comfort......

....and that the love and comfort will come from the love that is ours forever and always and was given freely because He first loved us!!!

....and 

"may the God of hope fill you with all joy!!!"

Romans 15:13

A BIG God Wink....

In a recent post I introduced "God Winks"....

.....those times in life when there is no other explanation for something than God just winked at you!!!!!....

those times when something happens that is not just a coincidence or happenstance but the ONLY explanation is that the God of the universe sent you a clear message and 

He winked at you!!!

One of my favorite all time God Winks happened when I was a sophomore at Baylor University....

.....I was having a difficult time....

the person I had been dating for 3 years showed a side of himself that I simply could not accept. 

The strength imparted to me in that moment to walk away from him still to this very day astonishes me!!!

but I ended the relationship and did walk away without even once looking back....

it was excruciating....

I called my mother and asked if she would come spend the weekend with me.....

.....I needed my mom!.....

She came up almost immediately, but before she arrived I went to lunch with a friend from my church back home. 

(he was a few years older and looked after me as an older brother while we were at Baylor)

I mentioned during our visit that my mother was coming up for the weekend and he asked what our plans were.....

I went through the typical "what you do when your parents come to visit you at college," 

and then I said, 

"there is a church I have been wanting to attend and I was thinking we would go there on Sunday"

When I told him which church I was speaking of I could tell from his immediate reaction that he did not approve!!!!!!

He paused for a moment and then he said,

 "well, if I were you I wouldn't go there........ and I certainly would NOT take my mom!!!"

This was at a time in Southern Baptist churches when there was an ongoing controversy about what was appropriate behavior in church...

(I grew up in a church led by my grandfather where you sang the hymns with almost a monotone voice 

(if it is possible to "sing" in a monotone voice)

and you sat up straight and did not say a single word during the service.

(There was certainly no "shouting back" at the pastor when you agreed with what he said)

This particular church that I wanted to attend was a Baptist church, but it was considered a charismatic church and not AT ALL what our church back home was like.

I said to my friend, "well.......if I'm going to go I think I would rather have my mom with me when I do"

He shook his head and we moved on to other conversation.....

Mom came and we spent the weekend, again doing what you do in college with mom in town, eating out and exploring the campus and meeting people, all the typical college student activities.

I had told her of my visit and the caution about the church, but mom said "Let's give it a try"

As Sunday morning arrived, we got ready for church and made our way....

we arrived a little early and the early service was still in the sanctuary so as we were waiting in the foyer we picked up a bulletin.

As we were standing scanning the bulletin, we both saw the scripture at the top of the first page,

"But those who trust in the Lord will renew their strength.

They will soar with wings like eagles.

They will run and not grow weary.

They will walk and not faint."

Isaiah 40:31

At the same time mom and I looked at each other and said,

"Oh look!!! It's DanDan's favorite verse!"

I opened my bible and took out a book mark that my grandmother had made for me with that verse and a picture of my DanDan playing golf.

(I spent most of the first 9 years of my life on the golf course with my DanDan!!)

about that time the doors opened and the early service exited and we walked in and took our seats.

SMACK DAB IN THE MIDDLE!!!  

that was unlike both of us but that is where we landed.

The service began with a song that so clearly was my prayer that morning!!!

I couldn't hold back the tears, and neither could my mom.

As we sat down and the pastor began to speak it was honestly as though he was speaking directly to me!

The tears became harder and harder to hold back.

I felt a tap on my shoulder and I thought for sure that the person behind me was going to ask me to keep it together.....but instead the older man behind me handed me a tissue and patted my shoulder.

After the sermon the pastor said that we were going to have a time of prayer

(in EVERY church service I had ever been in before "a time of prayer" meant we would all bow our heads and the pastor would pray or we would all pray silently...)

that is not what they did here.....

again....a tap on the shoulder...

I turned around and the nice older man with the supply of tissues asked me if he and his wife could pray for me.

I was a bit confused....but my mother and I turned around in the pew toward one another and put our hands on the back of the pew, he and his wife both placed their hands on our hands and he began to pray.

.....but this was not just any prayer.....

this man prayed like he knew me!!!!

In shock after the time of prayer concluded we stood to sing one last song that were the very words I would have spoken at that moment had I been face to face with God!!!!

MORE TEARS!!!

(another tap on the shoulder and another fresh tissue!!!) 

As soon as the song concluded the service did as well and my mother and I turned to thank the man and his wife behind us, but they were already gone!!!

Quickly mom and I went out into the foyer and we spotted them...

As we approached them we both thanked them for their prayers and of course the tissues!!!

We visited for a while and they offered a home cooked meal anytime at their home whenever I felt homesick.

The man's wife handed my mother her husbands business card  with their contact info and we hugged and said goodbye.

As mom and I were walking out of the church I was talking to her only to realize she was not beside me....

I stopped and looked up the stairs at the exit doors and she was frozen at the top of the stairs staring at her left hand.

I asked if she was ok and my words startled her out of the apparent daze she was in....

 she walked down the stairs to me and with no words showed me the business card.....

The man with the tissues who prayed for me as if he had known me my entire life was named 

H. E. Lee

(My DanDan was Hubert Eugene Lee)

we were both speechless and walked to the car without a word.

We got to the car and sat down and as the car started and the music came on the song on the radio was this.....

Chris Tomlin - Everlasting God (with lyrics)

A guitar teacher with years of experience. For more information on guitar lessons check out my private lessons website www.stuartlovibond.com but…

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Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord (repeat)

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer
You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer
You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary

You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer
You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary 

You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles

From everlasting, to everlasting
God you're everlasting


Needless to say at this point the tears were uncontrollable!!!!!
and at that moment we knew we were in the presence of the Great Comforter!!!!

May you never miss those times when God winks and you are consumed by His love and adoration for you!!!!
Happy Friday!!!

The Right Thing

This afternoon as I drove through downtown from my home, on my way to church, I heard this song....and I really tried to listen to more than just the words.....
I thought about all the times in life when I have wanted to do the "right thing" ....sometimes I did what I thought was right, and sometimes I just wasn't bold enough to do anything, sometimes I was just in a hurry, and then there have been, and still are times when I don't even know what the "right' thing is....
do I speak up, do I keep quiet, do I get involved or do I stay out of it, do I risk my pride to offer an opinion?!?
I don't have the answers, and I don't know that I ever will but......
today as I made a turn I make at least once on any given day a man caught my eye from a distance....He looked homeless and I immediately began to wonder what his life must be like, did he have a hungry belly, did he feel hopeless, had he ever known love? these may seem like silly thoughts to think about a random stranger who at that moment I could only see from about his ribs up......
I saw a police officer behind me and of course did the.."am I doing anything wrong" check for a second~and as I was going through the checklist I noticed the man I had seen was now walking into the street, and was walking in the middle lane of oncoming traffic. As I approached him I realized he literally had nothing. He was naked and dirty and seemed lost and unaware of cars that were trying to keep from hitting him. The police officer pulled over and before what I assumed happened did I had turned onto the next street.
This has stayed in my mind since that moment....
It is so easy to get caught up in our own little space and do what we do and not think about the world in which we live.....but tonight this man startled me out of the fog!!!! ...this man clearly has some concerns that many of us will never understand.... we have clothes on our backs, we have more than enough food to eat...... we are surrounded by people who love us, encourage us, and when need be rescue us when we make a wrong turn and travel down the dangerous road..... and we are most often in a "safe place" ( on our electronic device scanning facebook)
but for a moment let's go down this "road" with this fairly young man. I don't know if there were is any type of drug or alcohol involvement, and I don't know the state of his mind(and those are all issues that concern me greatly)....but......I wonder .....who will help him? who will love him? who will be there for him? will anyone? or will we all just be shocked and disgusted by the situation? I pray for that police officer that picked him up. Obviously, it would not have been wise for me to get involved in the situation and I knew that, but it was the police officers job and I pray that he was kind and loving and caring and that somehow through that interaction some good came of a scary and very heartbreaking moment.
I do believe that God continues to mold and shape us into the people He created us to be through the experiences He allows in our lives.(I pray that the walk down that road led to some hope for this man)....... In my life, I believe He has protected me in so many ways. I was born into a family that loved me and cared for me better than I could have ever imagined. I was taught to think for myself and to be able to wrestle with right and wrong until a clear answer was shown, not just trust someone else's truth for my own.... I was show examples every moment of "Love God, Love people" and I saw people of all "categories" treated simply as "people".....respected, cared for, shown kindness, and welcomed in without expectation or judgement.
My struggle daily is how to show that love to others......I have been wrestling with some decisions, that if I am honest are selfish ones, for quite some time now and they have consumed me. They have been all I can think about, talk about, etc...they sometimes keep me up at night and keep me out of the "moments" in the day. I think most anyone who might take the time to read this post most likely knows me, and therefor knows that I call myself a Christian....but probably has no idea of my constant wrestling match with my own salvation.....I believe at my core that God loved us first,(all of us!!!!) that He created us for a purpose (ALL of us), and that He planned in advance a purpose for us. So why do I struggle with my purpose? Why do I struggle with why my life doesn't look like I always thought it would? Why is my life chalk full of decisions that seem so difficult right now? Why am I so sensitive to things that I have no control over, and why do I feel at such a deep level? AND.... why did the experience today resonate in a way that helped me understand that through this time lately I have felt much like this man.....EXPOSED!!! A Catholic Priest that I greatly admire and studied under for about 2 years once said to me...."Kimberly, instead of trying to get OUT of your own head, why not hang out there for a while and see what you might can learn"....I AM one of THOSE people who feel at my very core and my emotions are very much a driving force in everything in my life....I have read all the books and tried all the "practices" to not always follow my feelings, and I do think there is a time and a place to trust your feelings...not always...but I also believe that we cannot deny the gift that is that emotional level of our being. So many of us try and push it down bc it doesn't always feel good and it is sometimes very scary!!
What if he/she/the world doesn't love me back? etc....
But today, when I was startled out of the fog, I was led down a road I think I will be traveling for quite sometime....maybe until the time comes when I am no longer traveling in this world......but what can I do to love better? Without expectation of reciprocation....but bc I am loved and I was created to love...
In my recent struggles I have been able to keep the secret from many people and go on pretending life is just fine, but the visual today and the sadness that it brought to my heart was an awakening...
We live in a world full of people who are hurting and struggling and just trying to take one more step.....and there are times for all of us that we aren't sure if we will be able to take that next step......lately there has been so much media attention focused on creating more division and fear in all areas of humanity...I have been broken-hearted and angry and struggled with my place in all this and I have not said a lot...but....the reality is NONE of us has it all right!!!! NOT ONE OF US!!! and we can not possibly put ourselves in someone else's circumstances and know how we would handle a certain situation.....but that is not our job....our job is simply to love....beyond all else....just love.....EVERYONE!!!.......through differences and similarities...through good times and bad.....through harmony and dissension......May we all do our job well ...atleast in this moment.....we will get to the next moment when it is time....

Do Something - Matthew West

Here's a simple lyric video I did for my church to this beautiful song! Enjoy!

Be Near

I have recently seen-through a friend who has grown so dear to me the need to live out Galatians 6:2 "Share each others burdens"
I know I have withdrawn at times when a friend was struggling bc I didn't know how or what to do or say.......we are not expected to.....we just need to be there to "share" the burden and through our prescence remind them "you are not alone!!!"

Be Near - Shane Bernard

A video praise song for Be near. If you want to talk to me about email me at cth1995@comcast.net

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The struggle with the struggles....

I wonder how many Christians struggle with "struggles"......I recently had a conversation with my dad about some difficult decisions in my life and some of my own words shocked me!!! I believe in a God who saves, who is so much bigger than I can fathom,and who loves me more than I can even try to understand.......but sometimes life throws things at us that we just are not prepared for and He seems silent...and we are confused.....I know I am not the only one who has ever experienced this and it doesn't mean, (as a woman said to me recently) that I am "clearly just developing my faith" ......first of all I hope I am ALWAYS developing my faith and second.....take a look at some of what David wrote in Psalms......our struggles do have a purpose...... I know that but I also know they are difficult ......and they hurt....... and we are sad sometimes and disappointed, but God promised He will make ALL things new and that He already has a plan in motion for us that is good and full of hope,,....I am holding tight to that today!!!!

Addison Road - What Do I Know Of Holy w/Lyrics

What Do I Know Of Holy by Addison Road set to pictures with lyrics.

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